


Tonight I need you to stay

by Nisssha



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canon - Manga, Canon Compliant, Canon Continuation, Canon Era, Canon-Typical Violence, Character Study, Hate Speech, Homophobia, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Manga Spoilers, Period-Typical Homophobia, Slow Burn, Sorry guys, Torture, but Eren is 15, underage even if I don't consider that in the universe as underage
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-26
Updated: 2016-06-24
Packaged: 2018-05-23 09:02:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 28,759
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6111589
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nisssha/pseuds/Nisssha
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Survey Corps were always humanity's last hope for freedom. Why would people throw it away like that? What is hiding beyond the illusionary safety of the Walls? And what secretes does Annie Leonhart hold?</p><p>Diverging from canon from somewhere around sixth story arc. But I will be using info from all the manga, so spoilers, spoilers and spoilers. Highly not recommended if you didn't read the manga!</p><p>(updated summary)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chamomile with hint of trust

**Author's Note:**

> Have a nice day, people!

When he closed his eyes he still could see their dead faces. Petra against the tree, her back bent in an unnatural arch, blood dripping from her open mouth. No matter how hard he wanted to forget, he just couldn't. And maybe somewhere deep inside he thought he shouldn't. After all it was his fault. If only did he make different decision all of them could have lived. He could just turn into a titan and fight and save all of them. And maybe many more who died only to protect him, just like his mother did three years ago. He felt sick in his stomach only thinking about all of the people who sacrificed their lives to protect his. Vivid, bloody images of fellow soldiers being crushed and eaten haunted him both in his dreams and while he was awake. He almost wished he never learnt about his so called special talent. The ability which made him "humanity's last hope" made him only want to puke and crawl under the nearest rock and die. It was quite ironic, wasn't it? He wanted to kill all the titans, massacre them and wipe them from existence. And with ability to turn into a titan he really made it possible to happen. So why wasn't he happy? Everyone around was telling him he was so precious and needed to be protected, that he was more valuable than thousands of soldiers and it was fine while they died for his sake. 

None of this made it fine for Eren. 

He wasn't more precious, he wasn't any better, he was weak and while he wanted to fight and avenge his mother, he wasn't ready to hold the responsibility for the whole humanity's future, for all the deaths of his comrades, for the pain of the families. For Sina's sake, how could anyone? He might not have been a kid anymore, but he was young. Why it must have been him?

He just felt nausea in his stomach, lying on the cart while the column was entering the town. They were supposed to come back after their first victory, should have been met with cheers, he should have proved that he was valuable, that he was not a monster. 

He felt a bit like one. Like he have personally killed all of them. Petra, Oluo, Eld and Gunther, all died because of him. Because he made wrong decision, and because someone decided that he was more important. And because someone made him a monster. Turning into a titan felt foreign, wrong, made him hate himself and tear something inside him apart just to make it stop. He hoped that a person who made him this way was already dead. Any other way he might just kill them.

The crowd was dead silent while they were marching through the gate and main street. He felt Mikasa's hand on his while he pretended to still be unconcious. He wasn't ready for her compassion and worry. He didn't deserve it.

The energetic voice of a man calling Levi's name caught his attention. The mention of Petra's name made his heart stop and his stomach clench painfully, another wave of nausea approaching fast. He understood why Levi stayed silent, he wouldn't be able to utter any words also.

The thought of the captain was confusing. Maybe it was still the blood loss, but he felt sad, angry and sick at the same time. He told him to make his own choice. He couldn't blame him for what happened. Could he? Levi was a veteran, he was on the battlefield more times than most of the soldiers could ever imagine. He was their captain, for Sina's sake. He was supposed to tell Eren what to do. To take responsibility for what was going to happen. But he failed. He told Eren he should make his own decision, that no one could predict their consequences. And it caused nothing but death, and now he could only blame himself. He left him all alone with this choice, while he could have helped him, could have just let him did what he wanted to do while they were being chased by the Female Titan. Petra asked him to trust them, and after all that happened between him and Special Operation Squad he had chosen to do so. And he thought he did what Levi wanted him to, but no matter what, it was still Eren’s choice.

Would all of them survive if he turned into a titan? Eren couldn't stop himself from thinking, that they would. That he was to blame for their deaths.

But Levi couldn't utter a word to Petra's father. Was he mad? Sad? Indifferent? Eren really doubted the last one. After spending long time with Survey Corps he had seen Captain Levi in new light, not just as a humanity’s strongest soldier, but also as a human. 

As far as first impression goes, Eren had almost none. Of course he knew who Captain Levi was, how could he not, as he adored the Survey Corps since he was a kid. He thought about them so much he worked out a god-like impression of them in his mind. No one should be able to live up to that expectation, but Captain Levi appearing in the middle of Battle for Trost to save them did exactly that. Eren couldn't remember much of the conversation in the basement, with all the adrenaline rush in his blood and fear for him and his friends along with exhaustion. But the courtroom memories were crystal clear for him.

 

The blank look on captain Levi's face while he was beating the living shit out of him scared him as nothing else did in his life. In a way it was less scary than seeing his mother eaten by a titan, but titans were not human. Captain Levi was human, but he did not look, did not feel human to him at that very moment. Right then, he felt dehumanized. He truly was a monster, wasn't he? If someone was able to kick him in the face keeping such an emotionless expression... That was probably how captain Levi saw him - just as another titan, maybe a useful one, but nothing else than that.

The announcement of the sentence brought an end to all of it. Later that day commander Erwin offered him an apology and explanation, all of it completely reasonable, and Eren understood. Humanity couldn't afford to lose him, and that was a way of protecting him, or maybe more protecting the monster that was in him, the monster he was. The titan he was made him completely unimportant and the most important person altogether. Eren felt lost.

Captain Levi only asked if he did hate him, and honestly how could he? Everyone would do the same, hell, he probably would do the same to someone else in his position. But he flinched nevertheless as Levi sat down next to him, not enough to move away, but the involuntarily reaction made him twitch. The beating hurt, both physically and mentally. And Eren decided he should not feel hurt. This - this ability he possessed made him useful, valuable, maybe made it possible to fight back, to actually win against titans. He was the most useful weapon humanity ever had, hell, he was their last hope, he could not allow his feelings get in the way of doing his job. A tool should not be distracted by some boot in his face. He lived, everything was fine.

The question came sort of unexpected. Eren wasn't holding a grudge toward captain even for a second, as he understood the reasons, but the fact that he cared if Eren was mad at him was astonishing. Or maybe he just needed him to be able to work with him. He wasn't exactly sure, but he admired him even more after that moment.

 

Captain Levi was extraordinary soldier, of that Eren was sure not only since he met him, but even before he did. But he never expected him to be... like this. The first night they have arrived at the headquarters the night was soon approaching and captain Levi was escorting him to the dungeon silently. Eren watched his back as he marched in front of him, his spine straight and head high. He never looked short to him, even if he was in fact higher. Captain just carried himself in a way that intimidated the boy. As they reached his cell the man didn't immediately close the door, but let Eren in and then lingered in the threshold. The room was small and furnished only with a narrow bed and a chest of drawers. It didn't took Eren long to turn around to face captain again, whose face was as expressionless as always.

'I assume everything is up to your liking?' Levi asked, though it didn’t really sound like a question. The low light of few candles wasn't enough to properly see his face. Eren wondered briefly why he was even still there.

'Of course, sir' he straightened involuntarily. Captain nodded slightly, looking around the room.

'A bit dusty, isn't it?' he sighed. Not waiting for the response, he added 'Good night, Jäger.'

'Thank you, sir. Good night, sir.'

With another nod captain left the cell, closing it with the key. Without next look at him he disappeared behind the corner.

 

The next day was spent only on cleaning. Captain Levi not only appeared to care about cleanliness more than Eren's mother ever cared to bother, but also he didn't mind doing the work himself. He wasn't only directing, but also working alongside rest of them. The level of attention he paid to the details was not only astounding but also a huge pain in the ass. After redoing the unsatisfactory cleaned floor for the third time Levi finally let him go, but later that day he saw captain cleaning it again himself. 

He didn't feel good with realization that Levi let him go without making him clean the rooms again. If he didn't do the job well enough, he should be able to repeat it until he learnt how to do it up to captain’s standards.

Next day he worked his ass off hard enough to earn suspicious glances from the rest of squad Levi's members and amused half smile from captain himself. He wasn't asked for a redo once and felt ridiculously proud at doing decent work at cleaning but it was a good feeling, and these didn't come easy that time.

That evening after closing his cell's door captain lingered for a moment, only looking at him silently. Just before Eren worked up enough courage to ask if he wanted something captain spoon on his heel and left.

 

'Would you care for a cup of tea before I lock you downstairs?' 

The question, even though asked in casual tone, had a wrong ring to Eren's ears. He spent over a week inside the headquarters castle and felt like he was starting to understand at very least captains moods. When it came to what he was thinking he was still completely at loss. Everything seemed fine with the question, captain looked as irritated as always, but he looked a bit strained. Almost the same as the first night when he was leading him into the dungeon. 

Eren put down the last plate he was washing and responded with simple 'Yes, sir'. Captain Levi didn't looked like he expected more elaborate answer and just headed out the room, clearly expecting Eren to follow him, what he obviously did, as always. The tension in Levi's form did not seem to lessen at all as he led Eren to his private quarters.

'Take a seat, Jäger' Levi commanded in quiet voice. The room wasn't very elaborate, a simple bed, wardrobe, a fireplace and a desk with two chairs on both sides of it. Eren sat on one of them, while Levi put a small kettle on a crate over the fire. The room was dead silent and it was starting to make Eren nervous, his palms getting sweaty. Captain didn't cast a single glance toward him, watching the fire. 

Thankfully it didn't take long for water to boil and soon Levi set a hot cup in front of him and took a place across the desk. He sat with his legs crossed, still wearing the straps of his three dimensional maneuver gear, not uttering a word. He took a sip of his tea, and Eren tried to do the same but it was way too hot for him to drink it comfortably. It smelled like chamomile and something else and it was soothing and comforting and it took off an edge somehow.

'Why did you invite me here, captain?' Eren brought himself to ask. 

Levi stayed silent at first, looking into his cup like he was debating the question. Then he shrugged with one shoulder 'I just thought you might be lonely down at the dungeons'. A simple explanation.

'Thank you, sir.' Eren answered and for a second he wanted to add I kind of was, but he stopped himself. 

'Do you trust me, Jäger?' Levi asked after a long moment of silence. It seemed the conversations weren't what they were best at.

"I do, sir.' There were no uncertainty in his voice as he answered instantly. He really did.

'Why?' Captain still wasn't looking at him, instead choosing to stare through the window into the dark night, his brows slightly furrowed as usual.

'I-I am not entirely sure, sir' Eren stuttered a little on his words, instantly thinking it was not a correct answer. He abruptly started explaining himself: 'I mean you are the strongest soldier, sir, and also you are right hand of commander Erwin, and you lived through more expeditions most of soldiers did.' He paused for a deep breath. 'And you also already saved my life once.'

'I beat the living shit out of you' he pointed out quietly. 'I am not exactly sure this can count as a reason for trust.'

'Yes, sir, but I understand why. And you already apologized for that, sir, I hold no grudge.' He paused. ' Quite the opposite, sir, actually I am grateful.'

'You are bizarre kid, Jäger. But I never actually apologized, did I?' he rubbed back of his neck in a gesture which seemed nervous. 'I am really sorry that I had to do that. I guess - I guess you already assumed I didn't enjoy doing that in the slightest.' He looked briefly at Eren, who vigorously nodded at that. 'I need you to trust me through this, kid. I have no shittiest idea why you choose to trust me, even knowing I am the person who will kill you - and Jäger trust me in this too, I will if situation make me do it - but it will be so much easier if you do.' He glanced at Eren again, looking like he was about to add something, but then he just looked back through the window and toyed with the empty cup he was still holding.

He looked a little bit less tense then before. Eren picked up his cup, the tea in it was now at drinkable temperature. He took a little sip, the taste of chamomile familiar and soothing on his tongue, but also grazed with something more defined and a bit spicy, which he could not recognize. 

'Chamomile, sir? My mother used to make it when someone was upset.'

'Yes, it is chamomile. What else?' Eren wondered if captain didn't comment on calming application of the herb on purpose or just found it uninteresting, but given his rigid posture just a moment ago, he was betting the first. He took another sip, trying to put his finger on the other taste.

'Lemon balm, sir?' He guessed, but nothing better was coming to his mind, even though he was almost sure he was wrong. Taste was familiar, but in this blend it was weak, almost completely dominated by the chamomile, despite it bland taste.

'Close.' No answer came after that. 'I think you should be going to sleep now. Hanji planned your first titan training for tomorrow.' With that, he took the empty cup from his hand.

 

Terrified, lost and betrayed was how Eren felt, tied to the arm of the titan. It made absolutely no sense that he transformed then, instead of when he furiously bit on his palm, trying to change. All of his comrades drew his swords at him instantly, only Levi stopping them from attacking, looking both cautious and worried. Eren felt sharp sting of guilt at his expression. 

Later that night squad Levi demonstrated their trust and asked for the same in return, and it’s been the first thing that actually felt good in a long time. He couldn't help but felt immensely relieved that they didn't actually hate him, that they only had to stay cautious of the monster he is. Not him. It is a relief, even if painfully confusing one.

 

After everyone left he stayed sitting at the table. Captain also looked like he had no plans to move. Eren didn't know if he was supposed to leave, or initiate the conversation, or something else entirely, so he just went with the first thing he knew about captain.

'Would you care for a cup of tea, sir?' he asked.

Levi gave him quizzical look before nodding once. 'Peppermint, Jäger.'

After he returned with two cups of tea he found Levi without his jacket, which was draped over the back of his seat, with one leg curled on the chair, chin propped on his knee. He looked oddly vulnerable to Eren, and he felt strange even thinking such thing about humanity's strongest soldier. Captain was as strong as human could get, he was everything Eren ever imagined the perfect soldier to be, but also - he was more than that. The more time he spent in his presence, the more human captain seemed to him, and it didn't make him any less worthy of admiration. It made him everything Eren was not, not only another asset in humanity's weaponry like the monster he was, but also someone valuable as a person.

Levi sharply returned to normal position as he saw Eren and instantly took a long sip from the cup he was handed. The tea must have been still close to boiling point but captain closed his eyes even further, his brows slightly unfurrowing. 

'You can rely on them probably more than you can on me.' The statement came unexpected. Levi was looking straight at him.

'You were the person who stopped them from attacking me, sir' he pointed out, not bothering to act like there was something wrong with captain’s conversation opener.

'I know' he sighed deeply, crossing his legs. 'But they will trust you more now. I will kill you if the situation calls for that.'

'I know.' Eren paused, looking at his tea, searching for the right words. 'And that is something I really need to rely on someone for, sir.'

'Care to explain?' Levis voice sounded a little strange, but Eren didn't want to look up from single leaf that got inside his cup from the kettle.

'Well... I don't know if I can even trust myself. I didn't know I can become a monster, how can I know what that monster can do? It is a relief that someone will kill me before I-I could try to kill someone. Like Mikasa.' His voice slightly trembled on last words and he quickly sipped a little tea to cover it. It was blissfully warm and comforting. 'It's a relief you are there to kill the monster, sir' he added.

' Jäger.' Captain's voice sounded a bit strained. He clearly waited for Eren to look at him, so he complied, raising his eyes from the cup. 'I don't want to kill you. And I don't hold such a sentiment for monsters.'

'Thank you, sir' Eren answered almost instantly, not sure how to react. He wasn't sure if he was more grateful or surprised.

'For not wanting to kill you? That's hardly a favor' captain snickered at him.

'I am not so sure if it applies to me.' 

'Someone might have said the same thing about me' Levi blunted, looking regretful only a second later. Eren wasn't crazy enough to pursue the topic, but wonder why someone might have wanted to kill captain. Petra implied he had some past, but he couldn't believe it went to such extreme, even if captain said so himself.

'With all due respect, sir, you are not a titan and your comrades did not draw their swords at you' Eren uttered.

'Don't assume things, brat' captain suddenly looked annoyed. 'You are not a titan, and they did what they had to. We all do, you included. Don't feel so special'. He stood up, stretching his back. 'That's enough for tonight. Off to the dungeon you go.'

Eren, against all reason, felt comforted.

 

Then he was sure he could rely on captain. Right in that moment... not that much. He trusted him, and Petra, all of them, and they were all dead. 

But would it be different had he made other choice? Like captain Levi said, no one could predict the outcome of their decisions. But Eren could not help feeling it was unfair to make him take all the responsibility when it should have been someone’s else to take. Captain Levi’s to be exact.


	2. No tilia, please

With his amazing regenerating abilities Eren was feeling better with every hour, practically completely healed within two days. Mikasa had given up on sitting with him all the time so he was alone in his room at last.

After he finally turned into the titan he jeopardized Mikasa's life again, letting the female titan capture him. Mikasa reluctantly summarized him the events after he lost consciousness in his titan form, the part from which he didn't have even blurriest memories. She unhappily admitted that she let the emotions took over her and refused to take his apologies for what happened and even went as far as acknowledging the fact that if not for captain Levi she might have not been able to save him.

'I am not particularly happy about him being your guardian, but he did save your life, maybe mine as well. And he might have died in process.' Mikasa looked through the window. 'He might not be as bad as I thought' she admitted. 

'Maybe not' Eren agreed. He would have been happy with that confession from Mikasa before the fight with female titan. Right now, after he had his time to think, the anger at captain was bubbling in his chest. He could never count on Mikasa to share his opinions, she had to rethink Levi at the time Eren was mad at him. How unsupportive. 

He swallowed the angry rant that bubbled in him. It was better this way, Mikasa was hard enough to convince to be on captain’s side, and if he told her that he did nothing to support Eren in the forest, she might change her opinion again.

Then she was gone, having some responsibilities to take care of since Eren was feeling better. He was sitting alone, Hanji did not allow him to leave the room yet, but he was feeling way too well to sleep, instead just lying on the bed. It was late afternoon, sun still pretty high in the sky and the room pleasantly warm. Eren wished he could just enjoy it, the way he did while he was still a kid, before Shiganshina's wall fell. 

A loud knock on the door interrupted his thoughts. Captain Levi was standing behind the door, a tray with Eren's dinner in his hands. All the others meals were brought by Mikasa or Armin, so captain must have specifically wanted to bring it therefore he probably wanted to talk to him, Sina knows what about. Possibly blame him for deaths of his squad.

'Well, will you let me in Jäger?' Captain was glowering at him, apparently Eren was standing in the doorway too long for his liking. He stepped aside and man carefully placed the tray on the desk, taking one of the chairs in the room without invitation. Eren felt a flare of anger igniting in him and ground his teeth to not make a comment. Instead he sat down to a bowl of soup, starting to eat immediately. At the sight of food he suddenly felt extremely hungry, apparently his body using a lot of energy to regenerate quickly. It wasn't particularly tasty, but not bad either, quite usual with lots of root vegetables and potatoes. Captain watched him silently through the meal and didn't move or speak once Eren finished and looked at him expectantly.

'I am done, sir' he announced, just to get some reaction.

'I may be old, but I'm not blind, Jäger.' Levi propped his elbows on the desk scanning his face, looking for something. Eren hadn't slightest idea what did he want, and talking to him right now was the last thing he wanted to do. Or more accurate, he had too much to say, too many accusation he should not tell his superior. He knew it, but if captain keep being around he would say them and get himself into some real trouble.

Captain was still staring at him with unperturbed expression and Eren lost it.

'How could you force me into making that decision?' He blurted. 'You are the captain, you are supposed to give orders, not talk some bullshit about everyone making their own choices and accepting their consequences!' he slammed hand against the desk, tray slightly bouncing off it, plates making rattling noise. Levi flinched away.

'I'm sorry' he said simply, and Eren immediately stopped the rant. This was not what he was expecting. 'It was wrong of me. I don't have all the answers.' 

Only then Eren started to notice details in captain's appearance, which he didn't want to see before. Things unfitting his usual composure. Dark circles around the eyes, shoulders slumped a little, the lack of his cravat. A hint of tiredness in his voice.

'So why did you do it? Sir?' He added the title, realizing he was forgetting it before and captain did not ever reprimand him for that.

First time ever Levi seemed small to Eren. He slumped his shoulders even more but his eyes never left Eren's face. 'I thought it will be better if you made this decision himself than if I ordered you to do it. I was wrong. I wasn't expecting it all to turn out that shitty. Nobody can predict the outcome of one’s decision, this includes me, Eren.' He rested his chin on his hand and continued, words slightly muffled by it. 'I should have trusted you enough to know you would follow my order.'

'I hope I would have' Eren answered truthfully. He really did, but he could not be sure until he had a possibility to test it. 'Maybe your decision was right after all, captain.'

'Maybe, maybe not, who the fuck knows. You are not to blame for what happened, do you understand, Jäger? 'The slump and the slight tiredness of his voice was suddenly gone, Levi was completely back to his captain demeanor, and Eren missed even the moment when he stopped acting like his superior, noticing it after it was all gone.

'Yes, sir.' His answer was automatic only, but it seemed to be enough for captain for now. He nodded curtly.

'There will be a meeting soon, regarding our next move. I hope you are up to attendance.' It really wasn't a question, and captain stood up without waiting for an answer.

Only then Eren finally noticed a slight limp.

'Captain, are you all right?' Eren inquired, as Levi walked to the door. Man turned around, looking a little surprised.

'Did Ackerman fail to inform you I was injured during your rescue? I thought she shares every little detail of her life with you.'

'No, sir. I mean she didn't tell me' he hesitated a bit. 'I'm sorry this happened' he added after a pause.

'You are being awfully sorry today, Jäger. Stop it, it's tiring. Things like that... happen, from time to time.' He shifted his weigh more on the uninjured leg. 'It's nothing that won't heal. Maybe not as fast as you do, but it will. And don't feel responsible for that, if anyone can be blamed it's Ackerman who did not follow my orders.' Captain looked a little angry for a second, if Eren was reading him correctly, and he felt he was learning pretty fast. It was the briefest expression, but it surely was there. 'It doesn't matter. You lived, she lived, she learnt her lesson and won't do that again.'

'You lived too' Eren muttered under his breath. He wasn't sure if captain heard him, he didn't comment regardless as he turned toward the door.

'Captain' Eren spoke up hesitantly. Levi faced him again, looking impatient and the boy almost resigned. But then he was never the one to be called a coward. Seeing Levi in such poor state made him unable to stop talking. 'I'm sorry for your loss, sir. It happened, I understand this things do, but... I'm so sorry.’ He said in quiet voice, not looking at Levi.

'Thank you, Eren.' The voice sounded strained and captain was out of the door before he could even see his face. 

 

Levi entered the room, closed the door behind him and heavily leant his back on them. He didn't remember the last time he was so tired. His leg was killing him, the meeting was extra-long, especially with kids bitching about how Annie was their friend and how they could not believe it. It was all Eren actually. 'Stupid brat' Levi thought, but even in his mind it lacked any real bite. Eren kept surprising him, mostly in pleasant ways. Kid was irritating, not even half as mature as Levi would prefer him to be, way too emotional to be truly relied on, impulsive, and emphatic. And it was a fucking bad thing. Kid should not feel sympathy towards him, respect was fine, trust also. But this idiot actually told him he was sorry for his loss. He offered him compassion.

Levi knew he wasn't looking his best, but nobody else, even Erwin and Hanji, tried talking to him about it. Surely, kid was mad at him, but after he apologized Eren lost his bite and immediately tried comforting him. How even could he? Until then Levi had been sure that the kid maybe respected him, but also was afraid, or at least intimidated. He preferred it this way, it would have been so much easier. Maybe he let Eren talk to him too much, let him get to close, but kid clearly needed some guidance and companionship once he was taken away from all his friends. Now Levi could only hope all his good intentions won't backfire at him, with Eren not being able to follow his orders because of the lack of respect.

This was a bit unfair on Eren though. He listened to him in the woods, and even though the outcome was tragic, he couldn't blame the kid. He did what he thought Levi wanted, and he was right. He manipulated him, played him, made him feel guilty, which wasn't exactly what he was going for, but it was ultimate, even if unpredicted, result.

And now the kid was feeling bad for him, not mad as he should be. Just because he got injured and lost people. He undid his cravat and slumped into the chair, hiding face in hands.

At first he thought the soft knock on the door was only his imagination. After a moment it came back, a bit louder and more persistent this time, and he tiredly rubbed his eyes, getting mentally ready for another talk with Erwin about the upcoming operation, or Hanji’s inquiries about state of his leg. Beside his former squad, he rarely talked with anyone else.

'Come in' he said in a loud voice.

The door stayed closed for a while, like a person on other side was hesitant to actually come in. It was unusual behaviour for both Erwin and Hanji. Finally the hinges creaked and Eren showed in the door, looking both nervous and determined at the same time.

'May I take a minute, sir?' he asked. Levi wanted to tell him to go away, he had enough for today, with planning, insomnia haunting him since the fight with Female Titan, and talking with Eren earlier that day.

'Come in, Eren' he found himself replying. And calling kid by his given name, for some strange reason. He apparently must have been more tired than he thought. Eren smiled at him gently and Levi felt like kid was praising him for doing the right thing. 'Take a sit' he gestured toward the chair on the other side of the desk. He was finding himself in this situation more frequently than he would want to.

Eren sat down, not tearing his gaze away from Levi even for a moment. Captain eyes bore into Eren like he wanted to make him uncomfortable, but it was only a part of the reason. He also wanted to understand the kid, so it will be easier to deal with him. Eren did not seem to care about Levi’s gaze. As soon as he was granted permission to enter he relaxed and just took his time, sitting, making himself comfortable, and still staring at Levi, scanning him whole. It made him crazily uncomfortable.

'Did you want something, or you just wanted to sit here and look at me like I'm some goddamn piece of art?' he blurted, then rubbed his eyes again. This entire week was way too hard for him, and too long. Jäger did not look angry, or even offended, maybe a bit guilty. 

'Sorry, sir' he offered. After another moment of silence he added: 'I did not want anything particular, sir.' He went silent after that. Levi's patience was running thin.

'If that so, maybe, just maybe, you should get the hell out of here?' The words were aggressive, but his voice passive. He was tired and angry but it wasn't Eren fault, even if he was adding to his tiredness with his behaviour right now. Besides, kid seemed to understand that the way he spoke was just the way he was and sat as relaxed as before. He was getting dangerously good at understanding him, that he was sure of.

'I mean, I had a reason to come, but I did not want anything' Eren explained, looking around the room now. There wasn't much to see, as the room was pretty standard issue with one bed, wardrobe, desk and two chairs, much alike a room Eren stayed in. As far as he knew the kid, the hesitancy to look at him meant he was about to finally grant him knowledge as to why he came to his room. 'I just wanted to ask if you needed some company?' he finally blurted out.

'Why would I want your company, kid? I should be going to sleep.' Levi answered. He wasn't sure why he did not say no straight away.

'You do not look like you were sleeping few past nights, sir.' Eren stated. His observation was true enough to make Levi not comment on it. 'And I'm not sure I will sleep tonight, after learning about Annie...' Eren's voice trailed off. This kid was too good hearted for his owns sake. Levi shook his head. He didn't even spent a single second debating the matter now, knowing he would let the kid stay for however long he wanted. 

'Stupid brat' he muttered under his breath, hopefully quiet enough for Eren to not hear. 'Do you want some tea, Jäger?' he asked a bit louder. Kid’s eyes lit at him instantly. He was clearly pleased that he was allowed to stay there, and Levi had no idea why he would prefer to spend his evening with him. Even if he was feeling nervous, or something, he still had his friends, his sister ready to comfort him at any time, but he chose to come to him. He felt like he should ask, or suggest him to go elsewhere, but despite all reason... he wanted the kid to stay. He wasn't quite bad company.

'Yes, yes, I would' Eren sounded relived that he was allowed to accompany Levi. 

'Do you care for something in particular or should I chose for you?' man asked. Eren was looking playful as he answered.

'Choose for me, I like almost everything.'

'So there is something you don't’ Levi stated the obvious, instantly mad at himself for doing so. 'Care to tell me?'

'I'm not a big fan of tilia' Eren shrugged. 'It's not a big deal, I drunk it when I was sick and mother made me, but I don't care for it much' he explained.

'Fine, no tilia then.'

Soon they both had steaming cups in front of them. Levi drunk from his almost instantly. The tea was a bit too hot even for him, but he liked the slight burn on his tongue. Eren didn't even try it yet. He made them plain lemon balm given the fact they both had trouble with sleep. 

'So what do we do now? I mean, what do you do when you can't sleep, sir?' Eren inquired.

'Usually I lie in bed and think' he answered truthfully, no reason to lie. He didn't mention that it was much better that he was not forced to lie alone for another sleepless night, rethinking all of the mistakes he had ever made, all of the people that died due to them. He had a feeling Eren understood that anyway, and it terrified, excited and comforted him all at once. Kid’s been playing some tricks on his mind. 'With you, I don't know. What do you do when you can't sleep?' he asked in return.

Eren seemed to think through the question. 'Usually I talk to Armin or Mikasa. Or we just sit together in silence. It is still better than being alone.'

At that Levi thought back to times with Farlan and Isabel. He could relate to that. They drank tea in silence for a moment, both lost in their thoughts. 

'Want to play something?' Levi asked after his thought took a dangerous turn for most recent events. His heart clenched painfully at thought of Petra and how much she resembled Isabel in some ways. Eren came here to make him not think about it, so he was going to take what was given to him unexpectedly.

'Sure.' Eren replied. 'I mean, yes, sir' he corrected himself. Levi sighed internally.

'You don't have to be so careful all damn time, especially when you are keeping me company when I can't sleep. It's fine, Eren' he said. As Eren nodded obediently Levi only hoped it won't affect their relationship outside of his room, in bright daylight, far away from sleepless nights. Everything felt a bit off in the weak light of olive lamps. He stood up to bring the game, his knee giving up a bit under him as he did after sitting for a long time. Eren jumped up instantly, as wanting to help him stand, but he gestured him not to. He was fine, at least fine enough.

'Are you ok, sir?' Eren stayed in his chair as he made him, but he inquired anyway, clearly not taking the hint that Levi didn't want it mentioned. Or not wanting to take the hint, given how good the kid was at reading him.

'Yes, I'm fine. Or at least I will be soon. I told you already' his tone was mildly annoyed. Not particularly because Eren asked, but the injury was taking him out of the action at the capital and he should be there. 'Now shut up and listen carefully. The game is called Nine Man's Morris.'

 

After few games the score was three to zero for Levi, the last one finally being some challenge for him. Eren was learning slowly and him being sleepier every minute certainly didn’t help. As they started the fourth game Levi was sure they won't finish it, but he set the pieces anyway. Playing was great for not thinking, even if he had to choose strategies easy enough for Eren to counter. He wasn't great player, but he was not bad for his first time.

As he placed the pieces at their starting positions Eren lied his face on the desk and yawned, not even bothering to cover his mouth. Levi wanted to feel disgusted, but mostly he felt... thankful was the right word. Before he got to make his first move Eren eyes closed as he fell asleep on top of his desk.

'Stupid kid' Levi muttered to himself. Eren’s position looked very uncomfortable, with whole upper body leaning toward the desk, supported only by one arm and head. The key, usually hidden under kid’s shirt was hanging loose, reminding Levi why he was putting up with the brat. He sort of forgot, just having surprisingly pleasant evening with humanity's last hope, like he was just regular member of his squad. Did he ever even spent an evening like that with any of them? He didn't think so, but none of them really offered. Last time...

He stopped that trail of thought. It was useless. The past was gone and the future was looking a bit less grim for once, thanks to the kid, who for some goddamn reason decided to come to him and spent his night keeping him company. 'Too nice for his own good' Levi thought, looking at Eren’s face. His features were peaceful, like he was used to sleeping in uncomfortable positions and in new places, which was definitely true for any soldier of Survey Corps. 

Not that kid's life was particularly easy even before military. It wasn't hard to notice that he went through some crap, but even so, he remained good hearted, almost innocent. Always willing to please, to help, how did this kid manage to remain so open toward people after all that happened in his life Levi couldn't fathom. But he didn't want the kid to turn out the same as him. He could see similarities in their lives, both of their mothers dead and fathers missing. But kid had a sister and best friend ready to die for him, while Levi didn't. Not anymore, at least. There were too many deaths in his life and he could only hope that Eren's life won't take similar turn, although chances were that it would. It was almost certain it would.

Even so, Levi wondered, looking at Eren's peaceful face, this kid may not break. He might just stay exactly the same, even after he survived through same crap Levi did. Eren had strong spirit, he was idealistic, something Levi never was and never dreamt of being. Yes, the kid was so much stronger than him. He sighted and got up. 

'Eren, wake up' Levi said, his hand mindlessly ruffling kid's hair. Eren blinked slowly getting rid of sleepiness clouding his eyes a little. He looked way too innocent for someone who had a titan inside himself. But he wasn't a titan, that was as clear as day for Levi. 'You fell asleep. Go to your room.'

'Sorry, sir. It won't happen again' Eren's words were slightly blurry, but he sat straight once again. Levi's hand fell back at his side. 'We can play another one.'

Levi actually smiled at that, only a little, but he was sure Eren noticed. Kid was good at reading him anyway. 'Thank you for the offer, but I will go to bed too.' That wasn't a lie. He felt more peaceful than past few nights and he might actually try sleeping. 'And you should too. Go, Eren.' He added, noticing a bit too late that he switched to his first name again. 

Kid must have also realized that because he was giving him suspicious look, but he nodded and got out of the door with silent 'Goodnight, Captain Levi.'

He felt a bit warmer on the inside, a bit more peaceful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise, they would do something more than talking next chapter, where both romantic and actual plot actually starts (I'm halfway through the chapter, so it will be here on time).
> 
> Once again, I hope you enjoyed that. In case anyone wants to follow my rants on writing and stuff, here is my tumblr:
> 
> http://i-hate-myself-for-writing-ereri.tumblr.com/
> 
> Thanks for reading:).


	3. Hot tea

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We finally get to the angst, emotions and start of the actually canon-diverging action.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to all of you who left the kudos. It's so nice knowing someone likes it!

Everything went to hell. Maybe if he were there to help... He cut off this train of thought instantly. Night was pitch dark and quiet, the sky covered by black, heavy clouds. The storm was coming. Both literally and metaphorically, Levi expected. 

First the fight with that Leonhart kid, without him on the battlefield, just lurking behind... They all knew that if Eren’s titan got out of control, there was no possibility that kid got out of titan alive. Nobody else, even that Mikasa girl, was skilled enough to risk trying to cut Eren out alive, even without his limbs. If anything went wrong, kid would have been dead.

Levi was, despite Erwin's distinct orders, fully equipped in his maneuver gear the moment commander left him behind. This damn kid almost gave him a heart attack, keeping him on the verge of throwing himself into the battlefield to just do something. Anything. The second Annie was extracted from the titan body, Eren safe and sound, Levi's legs literally given out, he just sat down on the roof. His hands were shaking, blades laying forgotten next to him. He didn't even realize how stressed he was until that whole mess was over. Wave of relief that washed over him, just seeing kid alive made his head spin.

It was their last success. With titan revealed inside the Wall Sina, Erwin summoned for hearing, and Leonhart hiding herself inside some strange crystal material, not to forget pastor willing to sacrifice his life to protect secrets of the Wall... They were nose deep in some shit.

Mysteries and enemies were surrounding them, and as far as he was able to deal with the latter, the first were never his cup of tea. Hopefully Hanji will be able to make something out of the clues. Maybe. 

Erwin lost his arm. They let another titan-shifters escape, that Leonhart girl was still hidden inside the crystal like a fucking sleeping beauty. At least they retrieved Eren. 

And now Levi was sitting on his unmade bed, deep in the night, not even pretending he would be able to get some rest, even if he tried. 

Morning light found him asleep, half laying, half leaning against the cold glass of the window. He must have passed out few moments before the dawn.

 

Levi was awfully quiet at Hanji’s side as they were coming back to the cottage where Eren and Historia were hidden along with the rest of new special operation squad. Normally mere thought about it would made his heart clench, but today he could not stop thinking about something else. His head kept spinning, he didn't manage to eat anything today and long journey wasn't helping any matters. He would prefer to be allowed to do something instead of sitting and thinking about it again, and again, and again.

Hanji was half dosing off and half looking through the window of the carriage, unusually quiet. 

'Are you worried about something Levi?' She suddenly asked, not looking sleepy anymore. Her eyes had that unfocused look she always had without her glasses on. She took them off to sleep more comfortably, now unable to properly focus on his face, yet he knew she was paying full attention now. He shrugged in response. 'Levi. I know you for quite some time. I can hear something is troubling you. And I think, I know what.' Hanji turned her gaze away from him. 'You think you are the only one who feels horrible? If this is true... We are all mass murderers. I tortured, killed, maimed innocent people for science.' Hanji looked uncomfortable, but Levi remained silent. 'And I would still do it, I would mutilate any number of them, no matter what they are and I will continue to do so. It is still a war. No matter what happens, it's all for humanity's sake.'

It was all true and they both knew it. Erwin did know it too, saying him losing his arm wasn't even enough payment for all the people he knowingly sent into the warm embrace of titans. Levi would never be able to do that. He could only trust in commander’s judgment and follow all his orders, but he could never sent his man to die knowing it was unavoidable. Maybe Erwin was right and he would burn in hell. Levi just couldn't understand how he could despise himself for that and still do it.

Levi could have told her to stop lecturing him like he didn't already know all of that. Of course he did. If a titan appeared right then, he would slay it without second thought, not only it being second nature to him, but also his responsibility to the humankind behind walls. But he would think about it at night, long sleepless hours were ahead of him. He didn't say anything, as Hanji wasn't really talking to him. She was processing the information, merely using him to transfer her own feeling and lecture herself. Everyone needed to confirm that what they were doing was right.

Probably even Erwin.

He could only hope his new squad will be able to understand it too. Connie Springer was sent on his way few hours earlier and he presumably already told them all about Hanji theory, about his goddamn mother talking to him, for gods’ sake. He fucking pitied the kid for having to survive through something like that. And he couldn't cut him any slack nevertheless, since he must be able to kill titans in any moment. Knowing that said titan might have some relatives, family and friends...

Levi shivered. He must stop thinking about it, and he just couldn't. How this kids would do that? 

'It's all fine Hanji. There is nothing else we can do' he answered finally, and she smiled sadly at him.

'I know.' At least they still had no idea if the process were reversible. Because if it were, he might as well break.

 

The house was completely quiet once he got back from his evening run. His leg was finally better but after a rest so long he felt a bit rusty. Seeing all the lamps were off, even Hanji's room was dark, he felt relieved and also a bit anxious. Sitting back quietly seemed nice on the surface, but he didn't want to be all alone with his thoughts. Hopefully there were some alcohol in the cottage. He never liked getting drunk, preferring his mind as sharp as possible, but that night was different. He needed some relief.

The house had vodka and he decided that mixing it with hot peppermint tea would create delicious combination.

I was not as tasty as he would like it to be, but it had alcohol and was drinkable. He still felt guilty about drinking at duty, so he poured himself more vodka. More like half tea and half vodka. He finished first mug standing over kitchen sink, looking into the dark forest through the window.

It wasn't like his new squad would turn into titans tonight, he thought as poured another one, this time taking it to the center room of the house where the fireplace was still burning, left there by his squad. Irresponsible little shits. He dragged a chair as close as possible to it without burning himself, and sat with one leg curled up against his chest and chin on his knee, vodka bottle beside.

Levi briefly debated on making more tea to go with it, but decided against it. Drinking would be more efficient without tea, and he wanted to get drunk fast and efficient. Then he heard footsteps down the hall.

As he looked up from the flames he saw Eren already standing in the door, with puzzled expression, with littlest hints of worry on his face. He really was like an open book, wasn't he?

'Yes, Jäger? Do you require something?' He meant to be ironic, but his words lacked any real spite. They came out more sincere than anything else. Eren might have also expected something different, because he simply stood there for a moment. Levi just observed that kid was barefoot, wearing only a nightgown. That far from fire must have been pretty cold.

'Would you mind if I sat with you?' Eren asked finally. He must have clearly saw what Levi had been drinking, hell, he must have seen he was already slightly drunk, as his cheeks always got pink after alcohol and he felt his face getting hot. But he didn't make any comment. While he was sure of himself and blunt in conversations with mostly anyone else, he always seemed so intimidated by Levi, even after all this time. Like he did ever sent him away. Stupid kid soothed his nerves.

'Why not?' He pointed his head toward another chair. Eren padded through the room on bare feet to get it, placing it right next to Levi and sat crossed-legged. Levi took another big gulp finishing second drink and placed the mug on the ground. 

'Want some, kid?' He offered Eren the bottle, still more full than empty. Eren hesitantly accepted it and took a small sip. Despite Levi's expectations he did not cough, only cringed a little and passed vodka back. 'I see it's not the first time you drink.'

'No. I'm not really a kid, captain.' Eren answered matter-of-factly. Levi took another long swing, wiping mouth with back of his hand. It was damn strong and it burned his throat a little, warmth spreading through him both from alcohol and fire. 

Eren extended his hand, clearly expecting the bottle back. 'Why the fuck not' Levi thought as he gave it to him. This stupid kid was keeping him company once again and he stopped wondering how this was happening. Eren just mysteriously knew when to come and what to do for Levi to need him to stay.

They drank for a moment in comfortable silence, both lost in their thoughts. Eren started getting little red on top of his cheeks and Levi briefly though kid looked cute this way. Then he thought about blood on his blades and about Springer's mother welcoming him home.

 

Eren kept his hand on Levi's arm as he abruptly threw up over the porch railing. Kid was still barefoot and it wasn't pretty, with Levi violently shaking through it, wiping his face with a hand, before Eren managed to pull out a handkerchief from his own pocket. He forgot he even had it. 

The second wave came a moment later and Eren held his hair this time, tenderly combing through them as his nausea calmed. He used the freaking handkerchief this time. He should not let himself fall apart this bad, not in front of anyone, surely not in front of this kid whom he was supposed to kill if anything went wrong. Levi leaned into calming touch of Eren's hand in his hair.

'Come inside, captain' Eren's voice was low and calm, as if he was trying to calm him down or not to scare him away. He should get mad anyway, he knew it, but he let the kid led him back to him place in front of fireplace with gentle hand on his arm. As he sat down he was handed vodka bottle again and Eren disappeared from the room. Soon he heard water being splashed outside. Oh.

He took a sip. So Eren did not think he was throwing up because of too much alcohol. Kid again knew exactly well what was going on with him. He hoped Eren would be back soon. He needed someone there. Or maybe he was lying to himself a little, he wanted, needed, or whatever someone may call it, Eren next to him. 

He was back, this time with pants, shirt and boots on. Snatched the bottle from Levi without question and took a long swing. He didn't even grimace this time, just propped his elbows on knees, staring into the fire, bottle hanging from his left hand, strand of hair in his face.

'How are you feeling, sir?' Eren asked in low voice.

'Same. I don't know.' Levi tried to give truthful answer, but he wasn't that good in talking about feelings. Fuck, he was absolute shit with it. 'Less nauseous.' He settled for a final answer. Eren nodded and took another sip, giving vodka back to him this time.

'That's good. Sir.'

'Stop with this fucking sir, Eren.' Levi snapped. 'You just fucking held my hair as I puked, we might as well skip formalities.'

Kid nodded. 'I'm not the only one whose life is absolutely fucked now.' He announced and Levi looked at him confused. 'I let myself get captured again and more people died because of me.' He continued. The blame thing was strong with this kid, Levi though, and patted him lightly on the back. Shit, kid was warm. He didn't even look back at him, just continued staring into the fire. 'And now this. I feel so sorry for Connie... I can't imagine what I would feel if it was my mother.'

'Oh, and don't forget that we had been killing humans for quite some time.' Levi added almost inaudibly. He felt another wave of nausea daring to escape. Eren was close to him in an instant, hand on his arm, face awfully close to his.

'I'm not.' His voice was reassuring and he did not know what the kid was trying to accomplish. The fire was getting low as none of them cared enough to add more wood to it. 'Cap...Levi.' He corrected himself fast. 'May I hug you?' Eren asked without a hint of uncertainty in his voice. Their chairs were basically touching and kid was close enough for Levi to feel trapped and cornered but he didn't. He felt safe and protected.

Funny. He might have to kill this kid, he tried to remind himself, but alcohol and regret dulled his reason, and Eren was warm, close, and safe, and his hand was pleasantly heavy on Levi's arm. 'Why?' He just asked.

'Because you look like someone who really needs a hug.' Eren was not looking him in the eye, like he tried not to scare him, like Levi would get scared because kid who was supposed to trust him and rely on him just watched him get wasted and now decided Levi looked like someone who desperately needed a hug.

'Permission granted' he answered. Maybe he just did.

Eren's arm circled his chest slowly, pulling Levi into himself until side of his face wasn't pressing against side of kid's neck, his chest leaning heavily onto him. He let his arms hang loose, not daring to touch him, not sure why. Was it too much for his pride? He didn't want to debate on that now.

He felt as Eren swallowed under his cheek, rough hand stroking firmly his back, right from nape of his neck to the small of his back, repeating the motion over and over as Levi gave out a small huffing breath and relaxed into him a little.

'Maybe I really fucking needed a hug' he thought as he felt his eyes slightly watering, and he blinked tears away. 'It's so unfair' he thought as Eren's other hand worked his way into his hair, massaging his scalp lightly. What did he do to deserve it all, why everyone died, why was he all alone. Except for this kid, apparently. Gods, what was wrong with him.

'Everything will be alright' he heard Eren mumble into his hair, as he pressed his cheek into top of his head. Kid was so warm that he didn't need fireplace, and for the shortest moment he let himself believe that he would be fine.

 

After some time the stroking stopped and the fire burned out completely. Eren was still holding him in his arms, but Levi's neck was starting to hurt from the position, and he was just feeling better. He didn't want to think what sort of magic Eren and alcohol worked at him, but he was grateful as he freed himself from kid's arms. Eren looked a little reluctant to let him go, but finally removed hand from his hair.

'Go to bed, Eren.' Kid looked like he was about to say something, but Levi just shook his head and Eren stopped immediately. 'Just go. I'm fine now.'

'Goodnight' Eren whispered, standing in the doorway. He is still a bit flushed, alcohol clearly took its toll on him too.

'Goodnight, Eren' he whispered back, and kid flashed him this beaming smile of his, and Levi felt his heart tighten a little just looking at him. What did he got himself into that night?

 

‘All in’ guard with slight tummy visible even under his uniform announced with wide smile. Wrinkles around his eyes became more visible, showing that he used to laugh a lot.

Both remaining guards kept their composure, with their poker faces still on. 

‘Me too’ declared the one on the left, slightly giving out his nerves by rubbing on his stubbly cheek. He was much younger, but darker skin and facial hair were adding years to his appearance.

‘Check’ the last one said. The whole night of boredom were ahead of them and they all will have a chance to win back their money. 

The guards were as unengaged in watching the crystal as ever, drinking vodka and playing cards. First few days they did pay the extra attention to any possible movement from the girl inside it, just as that crazy science bitch made them, but after few nights it grew old. Nobody on the guard duty even glanced in crystal direction during their shifts.

‘Full house, gentlemen’ older guard announced, grinning.

‘Shit, I was sure bastard was bluffing’ man with stubble thrown his cards on the table, not showing what he did have. Most of the sentinels were great players.

They almost did not hear it over the laughter of the older man. Almost. 

Soft cracking noise drew attention of the third guard. When he came closer to inspect it, the crevice in the crystal became deeper. He was not sure if he saw the girl blink or it was all in his imagination, but he screamed:

‘Wilson, run to Commander Smith! That bitch just moved!’

He did not tear his gaze away from unmoving figure even when he heard the wooden chair fell to the stone floor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, thanks for reading. This was a thing I wanted to write for the longest time. I feel so relived now. Huff puff. Why did I set update date to Friday? Editing with wet fingernails is hard and I had to, to make to the party on time. But karaoke tonight, so worth it!  
> Also, you can still follow my tumblr:  
> http://i-hate-myself-for-writing-ereri.tumblr.com/
> 
> Hope you all have wonderful Friday (or any other day you are reading it:)).


	4. Sage has a long history

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Do they confuse each other? Yes, they do. (Levi mostly, to be honest).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some homophobia in this chapter. I did warn you, it is not much, but it is there.
> 
> Also, thank you all the wonderful people reading and leaving kudos. They warm my little heart!

The morning greeted Eren with dark clouds and a slight headache. Nothing too bad but it was there, endless pressure in his temples. Not enough to make him unable to live just making him irritable. 

The realization hit him once he pushed away the pled to get out of the bed. The drinking, the talking, the hugging. Eren swallowed hard but it didn't help sudden dryness he felt in his throat as he fell back onto the mattress. 

'Dear Sina' Eren mumbled into the pillow. He definitely did not want to go downstairs and meet Captain Levi. It would be brutal, he knew it already. Man must be furious. Not only did he interrupt his alone drinking session, but he petted him like a god damn cat, and oh, hey, why not, he also hugged him. Only because man looked like he really needed some comfort and it was painful to even look at him this way, but nevertheless. He hugged Captain Levi.

He needed to repeat it to himself few times to even believe it. He should not have drank any of that vodka. He also could not have come to captain once he heard him moving in the kitchen but since he came to the cottage with Hanji he just had that look in his eyes that made Eren shiver. 

Captain looked empty inside and once everyone gathered for briefing about current events at the capital he just left it to Hanji and went for a run. Eren never saw Levi quite that stiff before, and worried look Hanji gave him only confirmed his assumptions. Captain was very much not fine. That news Connie brought were terrifying and they had been killing titans for only a month. And Levi must have killed hundreds. If he started thinking about them as humans it was no wonder he looked dead inside. Because that was what Eren saw inside Levi's eyes. Death and emptiness. It was just too painful to look at him, so once he heard Levi come back, he had to get out of bed, as he couldn't sleep anyway, and go to see if he was alright.

Clearly, he wasn't, and Eren was amazed he was even allowed to keep him company. He felt honoured. The captains demeanour was all gone from both Levi's stance and way of talking, and both that and alcohol made Eren brave. Now he would be despised by Captain Levi. Even if he gave Eren permission to hug him, he was intoxicated and vulnerable, as disturbing as the thought might be.

Even though meeting captain now would be horrifying, Eren was glad he did it. Levi looked better after that hug and he didn't think he would be able to stand seeing such emptiness in captain's eyes ever again. He preferred seeing him open and vulnerable. Captain clearly wasn't good at dealing with his emotions, what made it even more peculiar that he let Eren by his side at that time.

He just tried not to wonder about if there would be another time with captain so emotionally exhausted he would need someone to sit with him through it. And how many times before he was left alone when he felt like that. For both, Eren just hoped, the answer was never.

 

When he finally made it downstairs everyone was already there, some of them still finishing their breakfast, but mostly just sitting, looking distressed. The only person absent was Hanji, Eren managed to notice, before his attention was drawn to Captain Levi standing leaning against kitchen counter, arms crossed on his chest, cup of tea sat next to him. His brows are even more furrowed then always, and he frowned even more as he noticed Eren standing in the doorway.

'I see you finally decided to grace us with your presence, Jäger.' Levi snorted at him and a sharp ting of hurt reminded Eren that Levi called him by first name even before previous night. Well, that was gone, then. He should have expected.

'Yes, sir. I'm sorry, sir.' He stood to attention, but captain was already looking away, so he slumped his shoulders again. The rest of the group was watching then silently, clearly sensing the tension. It was Mikasa who finally moved, pushing him forward the kitchen table, making him sit, and placing bread, butter and a jar of honey in front of him. He didn't dare to say he lost his appetite, and started eating right away, not ready to put up with her nagging right away in the morning. Captain was enough trouble.

'Well, I hope you would not be offended, Jäger, if we start before you finish eating.' It is just unfair’ Eren thought, as he was not the only one at the table that was still enjoying their breakfast. Sasha was also savoring slice of bread with some jam on it, Jean was drinking tea, and Connie was munching on an apple while looking through the window. Nothing of that seemed to bother the captain though. ‘He must resent me’ Eren thought helplessly. 'As most of you, who did not sleep until noon, already know, we had a visitor at the crack of dawn. Squad leader Hanji already left with them.' Captain paused and finished his tea. Before he could place cup down it was taken away by Historia, who flashed her endearing smile at him.

'Would you like another one, sir?' She asked, as considerate as always, and captain nodded.

'Peppermint, Historia.' He continued, as she busied herself with placing teapot over the fire and pouring leaves into the cup: 'To cut the chase, Leonhart's crystal started to break last night. Until the moment Commander Smith sent the messenger the crack wasn't very big, but god's knows how it is now. Hanji left immediately, but we will wait here until we get some more information. Any questions?'

Everyone froze, looking mortified. Piece of bread Eren was swallowing got stuck in his all of sudden too dry throat and he coughed awkwardly, drawing everyone’s attention to himself.

'What is it Jäger? Anything to say?' captain barked as Eren coughed, feeling tears gathering in his eyes. Finally he was able to speak again.

'No, sir. I just choked a little.'

‘You survived, Sina be blessed.’ He mocked, and looked as he was about to continue, but Historia handed him a full, steaming cup, and he took it, apparently deciding to leave Eren alone for that moment. He sunk lower in his chair.

'The fact that we will be staying here doesn't mean you can sit on your asses and laze around all day. You are a bunch of kids and if you are ever to survive, we have some serious training to do.' He brushed hair of his face and Eren noticed how tired he looked. That night was hard on him, no matter how he behaved. He should be mad at him for the way he was treating him, but seeing him tired and stressed made it hard for Eren. 'Assemble if front of the shack in one hour. You will not die under my command.' The look on Levi's face made Eren think that last sentence just slipped, but he quickly covered the expression by taking a sip from his cup and then left.

Everyone seemed to relax as soon as captain was out of the door and Eren remembered he was the only one who had the chance to get to know Levi, while for the rest he was only a strict and very awkward superior with unhealthy thing for cleanliness. He kept looking through the open doorway until Mikasa sat next to him.

‘What the hell was that about? I might just want to kill him again.’ Mikasa even as not completely serious with her threat, surely looked mad. He had never been afraid of his sister, but seeing her wearing such a deadly expression made him understand what her opponents felt sometimes.

‘Mikasa might be exaggerating a little, but Eren, seriously? Why was he attacking you all of sudden?’ Armin questioned in low voice, sitting across the table. The rest of their group seemed to be already engrossed in their own business, not noticing, or just not caring enough about the personal issues Levi might have with Eren. ‘I thought you were on good terms’ he puzzled.

‘I might have an idea’ Eren admitted after a while of deliberation. ‘But please, let me see if I can sort it out myself. If he keeps treating me this way, I promise, you can kill him, ok?’ He smiled at Mikasa, and even if she was still looking doubtful, she nodded in agreement. Armin looked as unsatisfied as her, but he shrugged, letting it go.

That was a big relief. All of them knew Mikasa could do nothing about how Levi was treating him, and Eren had no idea if he could repair the damage done to their relationship, but maybe as time passed Levi would at least forget it a little. And he would prefer not telling them the truth. He will if the situation won’t fix itself, he would not let Mikasa hate Levi again, but just not yet.

 

‘Stupid, annoying brat’ Levi thought when he saw Eren walking into the kitchen late in the morning. ‘He did nothing wrong’ he noticed next. Then he proceeded to act like he hated the kid, watching him get smaller and smaller with every remark he made.

He left the room as his headache started to get impossible to bear.

 

The hell got over him last night? He was only going for a quiet evening of getting himself drunk to sleep and then, of course, Eren Jäger appeared and had to keep him company. 

He felt sick. Not because of too much alcohol, that would be a blessing compared to all the thoughts he woke up with. And continued having.

He should really not woke up missing his subordinate's hands in his hair. At first he could pretend it was only alcohol still running through his veins, but after hours passed and he sat in the kitchen, waiting for his new squad to arrive, and then when he listened to them talking quietly, clearly unsure how they should behave around him, he were supposed to feel better. And yet he sat there, impatient for the brat to show his face downstairs. And once he did, he just right away got mad at him. He would at least like to have his emotions in check enough to understand why he was furious, but no, he had no idea.

Irrational, he knew he was acting nuts. Kid did absolutely nothing wrong. He tried to help, and he did, no matter what Levi tried to convince himself. Eren came, offered silent comfort, and not once overstepped boundaries without asking. And he was punishing him for nothing.

But he felt ridiculously good once he saw him, and he shouldn't. And maybe that was making him crazy with rage. 

 

His headache let go a little through the hour he spent on cleaning his blades and trying not to think at all. He could not trust his thoughts not to go in the wrong direction, so he set himself on not thinking at all. So far it was semi-working and he could leave for training calmer than before.

He was first in front of the building, as it was still fifteen minutes left to the appointed time. Or at least he thought he was, noticing curled form under the apple tree growing in the front yard. Eren. The kid was sitting there with his eyes closed, back leaning against the bark, hands resting on his knees. 'Stupid, stupid kid' Levi thought, watching him as he wanted to imprint the sight in his brain. Eren looked peaceful, as he rarely did. That kid did not deserve this life.

'Eren' he called, forgetting for a moment he was angry. Kid opened his eyes, awareness flashing in them, as he looked around for the source of the sound, looking both relieved and nervous once he found Levi. He jumped to the standing position.

'Yes, sir?' Eren's voice was very small.

He was more nervous than relieved, wasn't he? It was all Levi's fault. Hell, like he ever was good with dealing with emotional crap like that. He honestly wanted to say something, anything, to appease Eren, but as soon as he opened his mouth this Blouse girl busted out of the door, trailed by the rest of the recruits.

Not recruits, but Levi's new squad, he had to remind himself. He never had to deal with group with such a little experience before. They might have been old enough to join the army, but they were also only a bunch of kids next to him, with a little to no experience. There may have been something special about them, but still, they saw nothing yet. 

 

All of them were on time to his mild annoyance. He could use an opportunity to scold them, just to make a point, but no. On the other hand, they may be already too afraid of him. 

All of them were wearing their three dimensional gear, and he was proud and upset at the same time. Did he ask them to wear it? No. Did he tell him they are going to train? Yes. But why did they assume it was titan fighting training? Well, sure, they primary enemies were titans, but Levi had a lot of bad feeling after Erwin was kept for questioning, with that pastor also being problematic... Something was up.

'I have no idea, who did tell you to wear your maneuvering gear, but great, you could use some raised difficulty level. We will do hand to hand combat training today. Pair up.' He ignored astonished looks. This first time he was letting them make up their own couples, so he could see what they can do on their own, in comfortable environment. Most of them were on top of their class, curious enough they chose to enlist in Survey Corps. He was there, but it was fate which thrown him in. They legitimately had choice, but yet, they were here. He did wonder for a moment why, but a loud conversation brought him back to training.

'Sorry, Krista, you're on your own. I might have liked to train with you, but now... Maybe one of the girls would prefer to couple up with you.' The tall kid with long face uttered at Historia. Jean Kirschtein, his brain supplied. 'You know, since you like girls so much.’ He drew out the last words dramatically. ‘But I doubt any of them would like to get as close to your sweet little heart as Ymir did.' Kirschtein looked proud with himself, most of his peers seemed to agree, only Blouse and Eren looking annoyed with him. Historia just looked into the ground, looking small and pathetic, and really, she should learn how to defend herself, he was not going to help her.

'Historia, you're with me. You're odd numbered anyway' Levi announced, not commenting on anything Jean said. It wasn't anything new. During first years of his services women were outnumbered in the army, even quite rare, and he witnessed quite few same-sex relationships. Some of them were made public, usually the ones which run deeper than sex only and they were punished. Mostly by sending the freaks to the Survey Corps. That meant, in most of the cases, death. Sooner or later, but veterans saw their fair share of homosexuals and heard all of the hate world had. As long as it was not getting in the way of work commanders tried not to comment either way. He didn’t even know Erwin’s views on this.

In the first run the goal was the same as during their recruit training. Get the knife from the opponent. The pairs, beside him and Historia, were: Mikasa and Eren, Armin with Jean and Sasha with Connie.

First round went well, with everyone succeeding. Historia wielded the sword in their pair, so it was fairly easy, but he got annoyed at Mikasa retrieving weapon from Eren, who was supposed to be the best at hand to hand in their class. That girl was talented, for sure, but the kid had to be able to beat anyone, especially hand to hand. They could not risk him getting injured in his human form, and with Annie possibly awake again, everything could go wrong any minute. Levi just had a bad feeling about this.

For the next round he made them mix up, leaving Historia to work with Mikasa, which was unfair on the Reiss girl, but she would have to deal with it. Eren was paired up with Jean this time and he had taken Armin to fight him. Unsurprisingly kid was unable to retrieve a knife from him, but he did put fair effort into it.

'Good job, Alert' Levi was about to say as Eren's screamed fuck made nearby birds took off the tree. He was next to kid in an instant, blood dripping onto the ground from his left palm, cut almost all the way through. Jean was looking mortified, blooded dagger laying on the ground next to his feet.

Before he thought better of it, he was grabbing Eren's wrist and pulling the hand for close inspection. It was hard to see how much damage was done as it was bleeding rather heavily, and Levi cursed under his breath. So much for not getting the kid injured.

'Eren, inside. The rest, keep training. Kirschtein, I will talk to you later.' His voice must have come out harsher than he intended as Jean looked absolutely mortified, the rest of the squad not much better. That he will deal with later, he decided, following Eren as soon as he finished barking out orders. 

It wasn't hard to track the kid, given the fact that he was marking his path with small bloodstains. The floors were in disastrous state, but Levi found himself not caring. He found Eren in the kitchen, with his palm above the sink, blood slowly dripping into it. 

'How are you feeling?' Levi asked, again grabbing onto his wrist. 

'It hurts, but I will be fine. It's only a cut.' Eren answered, and he had to agree now, after he had a calm look on kid's injury. He might have overreacted a little.

'It's going to burn' he warned before running cold water over Eren's palm. Kid mumbled something, but he did not pay attention, focusing on washing all the blood away. The wound was clean, edges sharp and clean, more a stab than a cut, as it run deep inside the flesh, but opening was fairly small. The bleeding was also starting to fade away. 'Stay here for a moment.' He ordered as he headed upstairs.

He retrieved the bandages and healing lotion from his private supply, proceeding to apply it to the wound carefully and precisely. Eren was still, not flinching at all, even if, as Levi knew perfectly well, it must have stung as a bitch. He looked on kid's face before wrapping bandage over his hand and Eren was watching him work as he was in some kind of trance, clearly contemplating every single one of his moves. Only under that penetrating gaze Levi became aware of how delicate he was, how he held it with caution, even stroking lightly at Eren's fingers during the process. No wonder kid was watching him with that much amusement.

He tried to be less careful while wrapping bandage around the wound, only half succeeding. 

'Thank you, Levi' Eren almost whispered as he tied a little bow at the end of the gauze. He suddenly felt helpless as he looked back into Eren's eyes. Even if he wasn't smiling this stupid vividly green eyes of his were. He should have said something, maybe if they did have some company he would have, but all he did was shake his head and let go off his hand.

'You’re dismissed. Go have some rest.' He said finally and watched the kid leave, feeling ridiculously happy once Eren turned around in the doorstep and flashed a small smile. At least he did not smile back, and heavens know, he did want to.

 

On hour later he sent Historia with a cup of sage tea to him. He wanted to go himself, but it might have been a bad idea, so he sent the girl instead. Once she got back she informed him that Eren asked her to thank the captain. 

He did not ask Historia to tell Eren he sent her. Possibly she actually didn’t.

 

The training was long over when another messenger arrived, both him and his horse breathless. That Blouse girl was just coming back from the stable as he halted his horse and jumped off directly in front of her, demanding to see Levi as soon as possible.

She led him into the kitchen, where most of them were sitting and chattering quietly, Levi sitting at the table, watching them as they grew more and more comfortable having him around.

It wasn't unexpected yet everyone were shocked.

Annie was awake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again at the end of the chapter:). Hope you like it, kudos and comments always appreciated. 
> 
> And thanks for reading, as always!


	5. Raspberry covers the bland taste

The night was spent in furiously whispered conversations while exhausted messenger slept in Captains Levi's bed. The information were very brief, only once piece of paper with few sentences written out in Commander Erwin's careful handwriting. 

Annie Leonhart is awake. If no further information arrives till morning I expect Captain Levi in capital as soon as possible. Keep them save.

Erwin clearly did not trust anyone, not daring to even write Eren and Historia's names. The message arrived in sealed envelope, but it didn't meant nobody have read it. If Erwin suggested no one should be trusted, Levi wasn't naive enough to disregard it.

After that sort of information nobody went to bed and Levi couldn't blame them. Hell, with most of them Leonhart being a traitor was still an issue. He leant on the counter, tapping his fingers against it, trying to keep his nerves in check. It was still long until the dawn, nevertheless it was coming and hoping something will happen was depending on miracle. Like hell he was doing that.

The last thing he would like to do was leaving Eren and Historia alone with the squad. The order did not say strictly what he should do and what measures take to keep them safe, but he knew Erwin long enough to know it meant they should stay hidden. But if Erwin didn't trust messenger with the letter, how could Levi trust him enough to leave the kids in a location known to him? But where else could he hid them? He didn't know the place at all. He forced himself to stay still. Pacing would only freak out the kids even more and they looked panicked enough.

Fuck, Erwin, what do you expect me to do? He cursed internally. The mere thought of anything bad happening to Eren made him shiver. Fuck, fuck, fuck he repeated frantically in his mind in vain attempt to calm himself down.

Historia made all of them tea and he accepted his mug of steaming chamomile, lightly grazed with raspberry. Apparently Eren wasn't the only picky person about his drinks, and he cursed himself instantly for remembering that kid didn't like tilia. He must have liked the mix Historia served, since he was drinking it hotter than he usually preferred his tea, or maybe it was just his nerves, but he was holding mug in his right, uninjured hand and taking small sips. It looked like all of them needed something to keep themselves busy with.

At that moment all Levi could have thought about was sending Eren and Historia with Mikasa and Jean to hide incognito until they would know something more, but he did not want to leave them alone, even with two best soldiers on his team. How could Erwin left him to make a choice like that? He was never good with planning and the bastard knew that perfectly well. It made him wonder what was going on back at the capital and how royally screwed they were.

Hours passed in silence, sometimes broken by brief exchange of whispered words but mostly they were just sitting there, staring at each other or at him, awaiting silently what the night will bring. Somewhere around three in the morning Levi decided to give up his hopes accepting how pathetic they were.

'Get ready to leave at the dawn. Just pack the essentials. Mikasa, Jean, come with me for a moment.' He led them out, making sure they were out of the hearing reach of the messenger, just to be sure. They couldn’t afford to take any risk, not with Eren and Historia. 'If nothing happens until the morning, you take Eren and Historia and fucking become invisible. Nobody can see you. Get it, kids?’ They nodded their heads in silent agreement and he continued ‘Just stay somewhere at Trost, and we will find you.' I fucking hope he added only in his thoughts.

They both looked as they understood perfectly well how important their mission were, especially with Mikasa always being extremely careful when Eren came into play. Levi just hoped they would do equally good job with Historia. As they left to prepare for departure Levi also headed inside the house, stopping only as he heard a carriage approaching.

Unsure what to do he stilled, his instincts screaming at him to run for his blades, while reason telling him to wait. He done nothing as carriage stopped and Hange stepped out of it, looking utterly defeated and tired.

'I have bad news. Gather everyone' she announced and Levi felt like they were to hear about human provenance of titans all over again. 

 

Pastor Nick was dead. Levi wanted to curse, throw stuff around and beat someone up, but all he did was sit patiently and hate himself for being right. They would have to fight humanity, fellow soldiers, and possibly the government. Oh, how much he wished he was wrong.

His squad looked less shocked, but very afraid of the future and Levi shared their feelings, careful though not to let it be seen. 

'The best we can do is stay here and see what we can achieve with Eren.' Hanji announced in tired voice, clearly blaming herself for death of the pastor. Woman tried to push through it, putting on brave face, and she would succeed sooner or later, as concentrated on the goal as she was. He was more concerned about something else.

'What about Leonhart?'

'As it's not hard to guess, since military police are clearly working against us... 'She let her voice trail off, full of anger, as she readjusted her glasses. 'We were denied any access to her at the time being. All we know she is being questioned right now. Thanks Sina they at least had enough wits to listen to me about being careful not to inflict any pain. Or at least I hope they did.'

'So, what is the proposition for now?' Levi inquired, sitting with his shoulders slightly slumped, clearly more at ease having someone else to come up with a plan.

'Since tomorrow we check what is Eren capability to repair Wall Maria. Next we will work accordingly.'

 

'I just can't understand why he keeps doing that' Mikasa repeated once again, still mildly annoyed. As the order to departure were withdrawn first they went to get some much needed sleep, but then the day came around and it were their dinner duty. The three of them sat around the table, peeling potatoes.

Eren rolled his eyes and sighted heavily. 'Doing what exactly?'

'Acting like you killed his whole family and then freaking out over a cut on your hand. Even I didn't react that much.' Mikasa admitting she might be a little over protective sometimes was a rare sight and Eren blamed it on her being tired after the hard night.

'Mikasa is right, you know' Armin chipped in, looking a little guilty to say something against their captain. He did not look up from the potatoes though, working as quickly as possible. They had been a little late with dinner that evening but since everyone slept in late it wasn't such a big issue.

'Can't you just tell us what is it about?' Mikasa asked, grabbing last potato from the table. 'Since you acted like you knew what you did.' She added, piercing vegetable with the knife and cutting out the black spot with circle movement.

'Please, drop it.' Eren moved to peeling the carrots, silently relieved there were no more potatoes to peel. He always hated them, even more with his left hand working less efficiently than usual. 'I asked you to give me some time, alright?'

Mikasa wrinkled her nose at his answer. Armin frowned a little.

'Eren, did you really do something to make him that angry? Are you in some real trouble with captain?' Worry was apparent in his tone.

'No.' Eren placed the half done carrot and knife in front of him and hid his face in hands. 'At least I don't think so. It is not something he could rightfully punish me for, that I am sure of.' He mumbled between his fingers.

'Eren, if you got in some sort of trouble, tell us. We would find a way.' Mikasa was starting to sound angry, and all Eren could do was shake his head. Even if he wanted to, what would he say? I hugged the captain and now he hates me? Ridiculous. 

'Seriously, guys, let me handle that. At least for today?' He looked up. They didn't seem very convinced, but nodded in agreement anyway, as he started peeling the carrot again.

'Oh, Eren, please tell the old uncle Jean what is up with you and captain?' Jean straddled the chair next to him, throwing an arm over his shoulders. Brilliant Eren thought. He must have been standing in the doorway long enough without them noticing and now he would have to deal with interrogation from horse-faced bastard as well. Fan-fucking-tastic.

'Nothing. If you don't have anything better to do, make yourself useful and start the fire.' 

Jean moved to it without complaining, soon helping them with chopping up the vegetables. Having his hands busy did not stop him from talking though.

'So, I though you and captain were getting really close? One time he looks so concerned about you, and next he is mad, almost like you two are having a lovers spat? What was it, are you both aboard Historia train?' The last words Jean almost whispered, clearly afraid of captain actually hearing his meaningless accusations. Eren knew it was only teasing for teasing sake, but it got him thinking, and his thoughts never left trail once taken. And even if Jean would left this thing alone, Eren would keep thinking how captain's hands really felt nice on his, and how important it was for him to see him happy.

Both Mikasa and Armin snorted in disbelief at the remark and Eren was eternally grateful that Jean really had no idea what the issue were. Even if he might not have been on point he was dangerously close with guessing that Eren was overstepping some boundaries in the superior - subordinate relationship.

As he didn't answer, Jean found it fitting to throw handful of peels into his direction, what Eren just can't let go without revenge, being glad with distraction from his own thoughts, and they were both quickly put out the door by angry Mikasa to calm down and then come and clean up. They spent some time sitting and laughing in autumn sun. 

 

The words Jean have said just stuck and Eren couldn’t get rid of them as he was eating the vegetable stew. Captain was absent from the table, but Eren's thoughts just kept swirling around him anyway. As soon as he was done he offered to go and carry a bowl of stew to the captain. Hanji informed him he should be sitting somewhere in the backyard and Eren left trailed by two sets of worried eyes.

 

Captain wasn't very hard to spot, sitting on the neatly lied out grey jumper, with his eyes closed and face turned toward last rays of sun, low above the horizon, but so very warm, captain looking like a happy cat, basking in fading sunshine. The small stream was running near and everything around was quiet and peaceful, without even the slightest breeze. Levi's frown was smoothed out a little, as he was enjoying the silence, bare arms very pale, shoulders slumped, hair tousled and all of this was making him look much younger than he in fact was.

All of this hit Eren with sudden realization. He did not want to disturb the captain and he walked as quietly as possible toward him, careful for bowl and a spoon in his grasp. Levi flinched visibly once he stood in front of him and opened his eyes, blinking few times before his pupils readjusted to bright sunlight. He relaxed a little again after noticing who was standing in front of him but his usual frown was back and it made Eren inappropriately angry.

'For fuck's sake, Eren, could you not sneak up on people? Are you a fucking cat or something?' Levi's angry expression made Eren want to laugh and he fought himself to keep his face straight. He had to work out this issue with captain and laughing at his angry fit wouldn't do much good, most probably. 

'Sorry, sir.' He managed to keep his face straight. Fact that Levi used his first name again made him unnaturally giddy inside too. Maybe he wasn't as mad at him as he was pretending to be. 'I brought you dinner, sir.' Levi took the bowl from his hands and placed it on the grass next to him, looking up at Eren. He felt stupid, but asked anyway:

'Should I go, sir?'

Captain looked hesitant, but finally shook his head.

'You can do what you want, Jäger.' He replied, finally starting to eat. He looked pretty satisfied, but again, Eren never seen captain complain a lot, especially about food. He seemed to be able to eat just about anything without making any comment. 

Eren sat on the grass, leaning back on his arms and looked into the sky. Autumn was really pretty that year, with perfect amount of storms and sunny days to make most of them feel like they were careless children again.

He heard captain clear his throat and when he looked back at him he saw that Levi moved to the side, making room for both of them to sit on the sweater.

'Don't sit on the grass, Jäger.' He said rolling his eyes, and some warmth spreads through Eren which he was not sure he wanted to explain. He moved to sit next to captain, their shoulders touching. Eren wondered how could it be that the silence they shared was comfortable, but he felt good in Levi's company, just looking on the nature surrounding them, not talking at all.

He only felt that comfortable around Mikasa and Armin until then. It was strange feeling, he noticed.

Levi finished his meal all too soon and Eren knew he should take the bowl and go back, but captain placed the bowl back on the ground instead of handing it to Eren and leant back on his arms, recreating Eren's previous position, closing his eyes. He knew captain well enough to know that if he wanted him gone, he would have said it, so he stayed there, frantically thinking how should he approach the topic, what he should say and how to explain his behaviour the previous night.

'I'm sorry, captain' he went for familiar line, and Levi opened his eyes in an instant, shoulders straight again, looking very alert.

'What for this time?' He tried to roll his eyes again, but it looked very unconvincing, with the way his left hand clenched uncontrollably.

'For the previous night, sir.' Eren looked away. He wasn't exactly sure what he was sorry about, but he should just left Levi alone. He did not believe himself he would stop himself from doing it again, but if it made captain so mad, he was sorry.

'Eren.' Captain placed a hand on his shoulder, looking as uncomfortable as Eren felt. 'You didn’t do anything wrong.'

Then why do you keep treating me like shit? Eren wanted to ask but he knew better than that, keeping his mouth shut.

It payed off with captain clenching his hand a little harder on his arm, looking somewhere below his eyes, and saying in a voice so low it was on verge of becoming a whisper: 'If someone should be apologizing it should be me.'

He did not say he was sorry, but he might as well had for all Eren knew him. He suddenly realized how close they were sitting, Levi touching his shoulder, looking almost shy, only centimeters between them.

His stomach did something strange, making him feel light and heavy at the same time, and he was leaning toward Levi before he could think about. He closed his eyes, so his aim is poor and his lips hit only corner of captain mouth.

Seconds passed in silence, before Levi leant back and Eren opened his eyes to the sight of very pissed captain.

'What. The. Fuck. Jäger.' He more said than asked and Eren was scrambling to his feet in an instant, too scared to even apologize. He rushed to the house as fast as possible without running, forgetting the dirty utensils.

He did not look back, therefore he didn't see Levi tentatively touching his lips and watching him with pained expression.

 

He was all too lucky to find only Armin and Mikasa cleaning up the kitchen as he slumped on the chair, feeling utterly stupid and hopeless.

'I might have really fucked up this time' he admitted to his friends, not sure if he should explain the situation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all your lovely kudos, and sorry about being late again. I'm working on it, I promise:).


	6. Bitter medicine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I'm awfully late and awfully sorry. My health is... fragile, right now, and I try to stay on top of my University work as my top priority. I'm unhappy about this chapter, it's too short and... Oh, ok, read and you will find it's flaws by yourselves. I unfortunately have no idea if I will keep up with weekly updates (I promise I will try).
> 
> TORTURE in first scene of the chapter. Feel free to skip if it triggers you, but please consider the fact I will not write this as soft and cuddly story.
> 
> Anyways, have fun!

Tap, tap, tap.

The face surrounded by blond, dirty hair was deprived of any emotion, or maybe it was just hard to express any with a gag inside the mouth and band across the eyes, which was hiding bright blue irises, not demonic red like some of the other guards have claimed they were. She was pretty, as inappropriate as this observation was, and he forced himself to look back from her pretty mouth, stretched almost comically around grey piece of fabric.

He pierced stone floor with intense gaze.

It was quiet now, in fact it was the quietest interrogation he had even taken a part in, and he wasn’t a novice. Usually they would have the scum begging for mercy by then, crawling at their feet, crying, promising, dirty murderers and thieves with puffed faces, blooded, pissed, sometimes covered in their own faeces they shat during the interrogation...

Tap, tap, tap.

This bitch was different, of course. If it weren’t for royal guard commander explicit orders, he would have already made this bitch scream, maybe widen a little this pretty mouth of hers, see fear in this piercing blue eyes... but he couldn’t. A titan shifter, that what he was said she was. Hard to believe, seeing how petite her frame was, how breakable her bones looked.

But orders kept him in place. More finesse, he was told. Like breaking this little, pretty bones in hers feet would lack any. He ground his teeth, but complied. Oh, he knew what he could do, just using all this things needed so much time. Such a drag, wasn’t it? He was almost growing attached, seeing the little girl every day, patiently and quietly watching as she was loosing her mind, deprived of sound and sight. Only droplets hitting her forehead repeatedly were making a sound in the room.

Tap, tap, tap.

Oh, she was also starved, of course. How much more petite could she get, he wondered, as she was so small and breakable already. That was quite poetic though, how her body consumed itself just to survive, just to keep living, against all odds. Like there was anything for her to look forward.

Like she could see at all.

Tap, tap, tap. 

He hated waiting. It was so apathetic, so boring. Curious. Was the bitch as bored as he was? Would she prefer to live without this pretty eyes of hers?

 

He have lied to his friends, because they may have understood, but they might have not. Most probably not, given how they have not reacted at all to the way Jean treated Historia not so long ago… Therefore all he said was he cursed at him because of unfair treatment and captain got really mad.

Armin had hard time believing captain Levi would overreact over something like that, and questioned him further about what angered captain in the first place, but Eren refused to talk whatsoever. Mikasa finally spun on her heel and left, annoyed with him, and Armin shrugged, deciding to let it go, but he felt that he was disappointed with him as well. Better that, then deciding never ever to talk with pervert and monster like him, Eren decided. Captain’s contempt would be more than enough.

 

The nerves were getting the best out of everyone as the peace they were left in was only apparent. All the hopes were hanging on Eren’s ability to harden his skin, and he was on verge of breakdown because of all the tension. On one hand he wished they would leave him all alone, but on the other... he had it coming, didn’t he, that was all what he could do, so he might have as well put all he had into it. 

In the morning he was sitting in his room, his hands too shaky to let anyone see him. Well, he could have gone to Mikasa or Armin, but not only they were vaguely irritated with him because he was dishonest (and they, unfortunately were very right), they were also very worried and he didn’t have the heart to worry them further.

There was also Captain Levi and he would have gone to him in a heartbeat (very nervous, but still), but right then it seemed like the worst possible idea. Even if he really wanted to. The man would probably laugh right into his face and slam the door right into his face. Or maybe not, Eren couldn’t actually picture him laughing. The slamming thing still stood, though.

All this divagations wasn’t helping. Quite the opposite, actually. He clasped his trembling hands, took a deep breath and stood up from the crumpled bed. He couldn’t avoid it forever.

 

Disappointing... talk about understatement of the year. Hange looked absolutely crushed and even if she tried to keep her façade Levi could see right through it. Disappointing, my ass, more like a fucking disaster. Biggest fuck up they have faced yet. All their hopes crushed.

Yes, something along this lines would have been more accurate. 

No matter what, the kid was unable to harden his skin, even though the progress he have made in controlling the titan body was impressive and they all have been sure he would prove to be extremely useful. Just not for the most important task. No wonder Hange was so upset, that was frustrating. Also, he couldn’t trust himself around the kid anymore. Hell, he let Mikasa cut him out and kept the distance as they retrieved his unconscious body. It was so hard to keep away once he heard stupid kid’s face was altered by the experiment.

He managed.

He also managed to keep himself away from Eren’s room as he was resting, staying in the kitchen, pretending he wasn’t waiting for every piece of information about kid’s state which was casually exchanged there. Hange started to give him weird looks, but he pretended not to notice them. It wasn’t her damn business. She should also know when to stop the experiment, before she got Eren hurt.

He knew he was wrong in that last statement. Hange was excellent scientist, even if a bit overbearing and maybe a bit on the mad side, but she performed the experiment perfectly.  
He was just fucking worried about Eren. Stupid kid. What was he even thinking?

Obviously, he didn’t mean the titan training, during that Eren stopped thinking altogether. Levi just wished that tendency wouldn’t show in his regular, human form. Like previous evening. Why did he have to do that? Stupid reckless kid. What did he expect? That he would kiss back, indulge kid’s whim? How did he even get this idea? Wasn’t Jean laughing about Historia’s... tendencies just a day before? Eren always was too impulsive for his own good, wasn’t he?

Fucking hell, he must stop pretending that the problem laid in Eren. Because he was so close to actually kissing the kid. Just a second longer and he would have corrected the angle and kissed him. Just like that, like he wasn’t a responsible adult, hell, responsible captain of the Survey Corps and the kid wasn’t humanity’s last hope.

Like they weren’t both men.

And now he had to keep away from Eren, because his mere sight was making him feel uneasy and unstable. And also he was sure kid hated him. He should have hated him even before, the way he was treating him, but no, stupid, stubborn Eren decided to kiss him instead. How nice. Well, that should all be gone, shouldn’t it? That impossible crush, or whatever caused this kiss probably died the second he broke that sweet peck Eren was giving him, and frightened him away.

And he would be fine, wouldn’t he? He just needed some time to cool off after it. Sure, Eren was the most passionate and kind person he had ever met, but he was still so stupid and childish. Acting on such a whim... 

He just wished he could understand why he did it. Or maybe he didn’t?

What he was sure of was that he should keep his distance for now. 

Eren probably didn’t want to see him anyway.

 

Tap, tap, tap.

 

His head felt heavy and full of cotton at the same time, the feeling not entirely unpleasant. First he smelled fresh sheets and felt sun on his face, heaviness of his head slowly lessening, leaving him feeling light and out of place. Sheets were so nice, even if a little rough on sensitive skin of his cheek. Why was his face so sensitive all of sudden?

Slowly voices started getting through to him, like the cotton was slowly extracted from his skull, piece by piece, and he wished it wasn’t. He felt so tired, his body impossibly heavy, even his eyelids hurt when he tried to lift them.

‘Are you awake, Eren?’ Squad Leader Hange’s voice was quite insistent. He stirred a little, feeling a dip on the edge of the bed. Someone was sitting there. ‘Eren?’ Even more insistent than before. He couldn’t pretend to be asleep anymore.

First thing that hit him was bright light seeping through half drawn curtains. He must have slept whole day. Second thing was Captain Levi sitting on his bed, watching him intensely. It was making his headache worse, so he looked away instantly.

He didn’t remember a thing since his second transformation and apparently it went as horrible as it was inhumanly possible. Even though the captain used different wording, all Eren could hear he was a monster, and on top of that he proved himself to be utterly useless for the most important cause.

Squad Leader Hanji tried to explain captains cruel words, and he also withdraw, agreeing that he was just bad with talking, but the lie was so blatant... Captain also sat on adjacent bed as soon as Eren regained consciousness.

He hated him, didn’t he? Not only a monster, also a fag who harassed his supervisor. He hung his head, feeling utterly defeated and humiliated. He was disgusted with himself, hated himself, no wonder other felt the same, when he himself couldn’t look at his reflection in the mirror.

Sometimes he wished he would have died with this freaking injection, that he have been long dead, instead of dealing with this burden of being useless monster.

He would never say Mikasa and Armin what he did to captain. He wouldn’t be able to deal with their hatred, seeing how captain is unable to even look him in the face was hard enough.

Sudden memory threw him out of the self pity he was drowning in.

‘Squad Leader Hange, I had a dream.’ Condescending look on her face almost stopped him, but he pushed forward. ‘At least I think it was a dream... it didn’t feel like one.’

Still looking doubtful she reached for notepad and a pen regardless. He didn’t dare to look at captain.

‘It looked like I was talking with my father, but I do not remember this conversation ever taking place in real world. But it turns out I don’t always remember everything, right?’ Squad Leader Hange was nodding expectantly, pen hoovering above the page, waiting. ‘He was talking about life behind the walls. About some people who live there. It sounds crazy, but we already know people live there...‘ His voice trailed off as he started fidgeting with corner of the comforter nervously. Hange seemingly written down every words that came out of his mouth, her usual crazy scientist vibe back in its place.

‘Do you remember anything else? Any details at all? Give me anything!’ she inquired, sitting on the verge of his bed and leaning in. Her eyes glistened with excitement and Eren was oh so afraid his story would turn out as a huge disappointment for her.

‘N-not much. Just it had taken place in our kitchen, we were all alone, neither Mikasa nor my mum were home. He was talking very quietly, and I lost some words, but he surely used word ‘tribe’. Human tribe, I think, which lives behind the wall. Does it make any sense?’ He suddenly felt very doubtful.

He heard click of the door, Captain Levi was gone. He wasn’t sure if he was relieved or disappointed as he turned back to Squad Leader Hange showering him with questions he didn’t know the answer to. He was disappointing all of them again.

 

‘This stupid, stupid, wonderful kid’ Levi thought, leaning heavily against cold wall of his room. Even if he looked so utterly crushed for a second he just kept it in and pushed forward, doing all he could to help. 

He treated him like shit, though. And he didn’t even really meant to, nerves got better of him, and kid looked almost betrayed. If they were there alone, he probably would have started apologizing, fucking up their situation even more.

Gods, what did he gotten himself into?

He felt more alive around Eren than... Probably since Farlan and Isabel were gone, if he had to be honest with himself. Kid made him angrier, calmer, happier and sadder. For once in such long time he believed something may, something will change. For better or for worse. He almost believed they could take back wall Maria. No, he won't lie to himself, he did believe they could. Eren made him believe stuff he forgot about for such a long time, made him crave something more, something new, the real freedom, the life outside the walls, without the constant threat of the titans.

Also, he made him crave him. He wanted to be close to him, he couldn't stop thinking of him, staring at him, wishing he could... Wishing he could at least return this stupid kiss.

Wishing Eren would like him to. Kid had so much luck with his stupid experiment. He didn't get beaten up into the pulp and left out in the gutter. Joyous youth, indeed. The last time Levi was so reckless. Like his live didn't try to teach him better. Maybe he should punish the kid, so he never would something similar again, so he won’t get hurt the way Levi did. He was scared how much he would love to kiss Eren back, how sure he was he would if only Eren wasn’t the person he might have to kill someday.

He was already scared he won’t be able to do it.

 

Tap, tap, tap.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading and thanks for all the kudos. This chapter would have taken a lot longer if not some random citizen leaving a random kudos this week. It made my day and pushed me from bed to computer to finish. Love you all:)


	7. Dishwater

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beware, the torture, yet again.  
> Huge thanks to lindi for all your support!  
> Now all of you, go ahead and read as I don't care about the canon. It's so liberating to finally leave it behind!

The bottom line was Levi had to leave their hideout. Once the command came all he could do was frantically prepare to leave, Hanji standing rigid in the threshold of his room, watching as he packed essentials from behind her glasses, covered in mist from morning cold. He was sure she saw his hands trembling, gods, he didn't remember last time he couldn't strap his gear properly.

Hanji closed the distance between them in three long steps and propped herself on one knee, helping him fasten buckles on his thighs.

'Why are you that nervous?' she nearly whispered, as he finished with straps on his chest, avoiding her eyes. 

'How are you not?'

'I were few hours ago' she admitted softly, standing up and taking her glasses off, rubbing the mist away with the ridge of her shirt. She was kind enough not to point out he didn't answer, not really, and he was grateful for that offering. He would take as much peace as he can get. 'Who should I wake and give the orders to?'

'Mikasa or Jean.' He didn't want to do it himself. Not again. He busied himself with collecting rest of his belongings, shoving them into small case, as taking regular traveling chest was useless then. Only essentials. He heard Hanji close the doors after herself. Only then he allowed himself to sit down on his still unmade bed and bury face in his palms.

He still couldn't believe Hanji actually woke him up only half an hour earlier with sharp tug on his arm. That Erwin sent her to retrieve him, commanding him to leave his squad safely hidden where nobody could find them. That Survey Corps were denied access to the prisoner, that Erwin himself was supposed to be withdrawn from commander position. 

Were they supposed to be outlaws now? It seemed so. All Hanji told him was Erwin wanted to fucking steal Leonhart from the Military Police Brigade and stay hidden.

Questions were bubbling inside Levi as he rubbed his temple slowly. Migraine was starting to set in, blurring edges of his vision field. Hanji didn't know any details, Erwin, that cunning bastard, supposedly assumed she might be a target on her way there. His squad... Levi swallowed hard. This kids won't be fucking safe. There was no way in bloody world they won't be attacked. How could Erwin...

Fuck, his hands trembled even as he pressed them to his thighs to make them stop. 

How could he be afraid Hanji might be captured on her way there, but not if Eren and Historia hideout was safe. His specific orders were for them to stay there and Levi never felt more tempted to disobey. They would have been safer elsewhere. They should run.

He won't disobey and he knows that. Hanji is already instructing kids what they should do. Erwin must have a plan and knowing him it will be excellent and lead them to victory. That he trusted Erwin to excel in. What he wasn't so sure about was the number of casualties involved in the operation.

He surely wouldn't risk Eren and Historia's well-being, right?

No matter how many deep breaths he took, neither trembling of his hands nor pounding in his temples would stop.

 

They left on horseback, Levi's luggage safely attached to the saddle. The sun was only barely hoovering over the horizon, most of the squad still asleep, only Mikasa and Jean standing on the porch, both dressed only in standard issue straight, long, white nightgowns, with boots and jackets on, shivering in cold morning. Mikasa's hair were falling in her eyes, and for once she didn't look at him with burning anger. She looked determined and closed off, like a predator ready to fight. If someone was going to protect Eren, it was her. Jean looked not entirely coherent yet, apparently not dealing all that well with being woken up, but he held himself straight and almost didn't show how much he trembled. Levi wondered if he was terrified or just cold. 

Stupid kids. They watched them leave, stood to attention even, before they spurred the horses and left the peace of the mountains. 

 

'Your eyes are very pretty, sweetheart, do you know that? Like sapphires. Have you ever seen sapphires? I didn't. They are fucking expensive.'

Man withdrew his hand, allowing her to close the reddened eye, tears shedding rapidly. He fiddled absentmindedly with chains around her wrists, tugging them further down behind the chair, forcing her to straighten her back. Her ankles were pinned to the legs of the chair as well, the metal seat firmly fastened to the ground by bolts. 

The room reeked of pain and body fluids. He couldn't say he liked it, but... He was accustomed with it. Friendly, even. It smelled a little like home.

'How do you enjoy this room, Annie?' He asked, genuine curiosity in his voice. What a shame she couldn't answer, with a metal ring in her mouth. They could not risk her biting her own tongue.

Oh, the weeks of waiting. Finally over.

'Why did you not answer me?' He growled suddenly, grabbing her throat, lowering his head, meeting her face to face, close enough to feel her ragged breath on his mouth. 'Bitch.' He spat into her mouth with that, shoving her back into the chair.

Girl squeezed her eyes shut tighter, looking sick.

'Sweetie, you really should look at me. You know, we don't have weeks.' He chucked softly at his own oh so clever joke. They have been having their little rendezvous for three weeks now, only now the routine finally changing. Oh, such joy, it was exciting! New cell, new orders, new toys.

The girl was the same, but she didn't even look like herself anymore. She looked dirty, smelled almost worse than the room itself and all of her bones were showing. Anything what was pretty about her was lost.

Beside her eyes.

'I would love to have your eyes' he confessed. Oh, she would relish having them in a neat little jar, looking at him all the time. 'You really shouldn't blink, without your eyes you look dead.'

She almost did listen, as she closed her eyes again. It wasn't blinking. Stupid bitch.

The cell door squeaked and another two people entered the room, one in Military Police rank, the second in casual clothing, holding a tray in steady hands, both frowning at the smell of the room. He sometimes forgot not everyone was so used to it.

'Thank you, Rudolf.' The commander waved a gloved hand, dismissing him, and he took a place in the corner of the room. He was not leaving them alone with his pretty eyed bitch.

The third man set his tray full of pills and syringes on the table beside the wall. Two bottles retrieved from spacious pockets of his coat were placed neatly next to it. Man's moves were sharp and efficient as he rearranged his supplies.

'If you choose to cooperate we won't have to go very far, Leonhart.' Commander looked into girls eyes steadily, but slight wavering in his voice gave him away. Such an amateur. 'All you have to do is tell us about your abilities. How do you change? Why did you turn against humanity? Where do you come from?'

Pathetic. Commander’s voice was uneven, his left hand moving nervously all the fucking time. Was he interrogating or being interrogated? Hard to tell. Oh, he knew shit about it. How he wish he could jump in, oh how fucking much. They were doing nothing but destroying all the pretty work he did on her. Like rehearsed questions were going to get the truth out of her.

And of course, all she did was close her eyes. Smartass bitch.

'Fine, if you still don't want to play along I guess we have no choice.' Pathetic weakling, he even had the nerve to sigh heavily, like he was actually expecting his wretched methods were going to achieve anything with this tough bitch. 'Joseph, I guess you can start your procedure.'

'Hello, my name is Joseph and I will be you doctor today' he started with a bright smile. 'This is a pill which will deprive you from all the pain, so we can remove the gag and actually let you speak, not worrying if you decide to bit your tongue.' He took her jaw into one hand, pushing the pill deep down her throat with two fingers. 'It will took effect in about half an hour.' He patted her damp, greasy hair, immediately wiping his hand on the coat. 'It is worth noticing that human body have a lot more strength than we normally use, but that is subdued by, who would guess, pain, so we will not hurt ourselves. Therefore, take that into consideration, so you will not actually hurt yourself while under the influence of it. 'He smiled again, milky teeth showing. 'Next step in our procedure will be an injection.' He demonstrated big syringe, full of golden fluid. 'This amount is actually way too much for your petit frame, but we are not taking any chances.' He placed it back on the table, bringing smaller syringe into her sight. 'This we will continuously use during the e-I mean-procedure, to make sure you won't be able to feel any pain. I hope you will have enough time to answer all the questions we need you to. Due to you extraordinary biology we are not sure how your body will react, and as you understand, we have to be extraordinarily careful.' He flashed a smile again. 'There are chances you will be still alive tomorrow.'

Commander Nile Dok wiped beads of sweat gathering on his forehead with unsteady hand. Pathetic.

 

They didn’t meet inside the Military Police Brigade quarters like they usually would, as Survey Corps were stationing there every time their business led them inside the walls, not outside them. Erwin’s quarters were still granted to him, and they would have been considered the safest place for this conversation not long ago.

Commander were waiting for them inside the Dagger Inn. It was hot, smelled of beer and insufficient hygiene. They both changed into casual clothing, military rarely seen in the tavern like this, silent agreement between police and scums of the earth drinking there not to disturb each other. We don’t cause you too much trouble as long as you leave us alone. All the illegal deals were made in places like that. Levi didn’t enjoy the thought Survey Corps business belonged in the filthy place like that.

Erwin were already waiting on them, sitting at the table near the corner, seemingly spaced out, watching absent mindedly group of man playing cards nearby. Levi didn’t believe that act for a second. Commander were taking in his surrounding very carefully, probably calculating how he could use them to his advantage, cunning bastard. He was lucky to be on his side.

‘Levi, Hanji.’ he greeted them with a curt nod. ‘Good to see you.’ He watched them sit down, straightening the empty sleeve of his jacket. The stein sitting on the table was nearly full, white foam clinging to the brink of it. Erwin was never very fond of beer. In the place like this he didn’t have much choice. ‘I know that this place isn’t ideal, but under our circumstances you’ll surely understand.’

They both nodded in agreement, Levi folding arms against his chest, Hanji looking around curiously. They were starting to gather interested looks from regulars.

‘Brutus, two more.’ Erwin requested from passing by bartender, who grunted a confirmation under his breath, gathering empty metal steins from the next table. ‘We are already gathering too many attention without you sitting there without a drink. That is more suspicious here than our faces.’

Erwin was right, of course. It was impossible for them to not be recognized at all, only the fact that they were not strictly a part of military police was granting them peace. Actually drinking something will ease the suspicions further, therefore as soon as the drinks arrived Levi chugged half of it, gaining curious looks from Hanji and Erwin. It’s only for the appearances, he told himself.

Hanji took a swing of her beer as well, frowning at watery taste. Clearly it was not up to her standards. Levi didn’t care, he drunk worse.

‘Let’s get to the point then.’ Erwin stopped fiddling with things around him, straightening, his voice lowering the register a bit. He was the commander of the Survey Corps, there were no mistake about it, even if the only people he had to command then were his friends. ‘We have been entirely cut off. Most probably there are people after Eren and Historia. Maybe us as well. As you probably figured out by now... I’m using them as a bait. A distraction. We need all the time we can get and honestly, as far as the gossip goes, Leonhart might even be already dead. ‘He looked tired enough for Levi not to interrupt him, commander rubbing the base of his nose, looking into the table for a moment before he faced their eyes again. ‘We are playing at the highest stakes right now. I wouldn’t risk them, Eren especially, if I weren’t sure they consider him as valuable as we do.’ Levi felt like this sentence were added especially for his sake, but it was Hanji who nodded beside him, her cup close to her lips. Erwin let go a heavy sight, taking a swing, looking relived none of them questioned his decision. Fuck, Levi wanted to, but would it actually change anything?

No, it wouldn’t. He kept his mouth shut.

‘Well, we let them plan it and maybe even execute it. We have our people watching the hideout full time, and hopefully they won’t come in handy anyway, but in case we still don’t have Leonhart in our possession we will have to let them capture Eren and Historia.’ He didn’t sound pleased, but it was his plan and he looked like he didn’t even believe it was fully possible. ‘I already have information about Leonhart’s whereabouts. We will need to basically break in, take her by force and flee. Another hideout is already being prepared.’

Hanji looked quite shocked. ‘What about the whole Survey Corps?’ she inquired. ‘Our mission, scientific progress?’

Erwin shook his head.

‘It is lost anyway. We could work on our own, or wait until all of us get called off. Our soldiers would be redistributed into other garrisons soon. I will be granted honorary retirement. Probably you as well. Historia will get killed and Eren experimented on. Then we will lose another walls and humanity will go extinct. Hopefully we would be dead by the time it actually happens.’

Grim, exaggerated and brutal. Probably true as well.

‘Let’s face it. Survey Corps don’t exist anymore. Not without us being able to leave the walls. King is against us and we can’t do shit about it. But we still can try to discover the truth.’ Erwin’s voice got quieter, shakier, as he lowered his head. He wasn’t the commander anymore, he was their friend and Hanji awkwardly patted his left shoulder. Levi never felt good seeing Erwin in that fragile state when he let his commander demeanour down, so he finished his beer avoiding eye contact with any of them as Hanji whispered awkward apologies to Erwin.

Gods, he needed another one. They all did. Bartender noticed his searching look quickly enough, refilling their splinters fast with watery beer.

‘Alright, how do we do it?’

 

The plan sounded easy enough, even if it required certain amount of preparation. And, even if Erwin never explicitly said it, casualties. From about two dozens of people engaged in the operation at best half of them would be still alive once they had Leonhart in their hands. Their informer would probably be dead within days as well. 

Levi tried not to give a flying fuck about it, having lost so many soldiers on the battlefield, but he just couldn’t force himself to. This was fucking different. He saw titans like a bloody force of nature, something unavoidable and brainless. There were no reason when it came to the titans. Now Erwin’s plan involved getting killed from hands of humans.

None of their subordinates signed up with that in mind, that’s for sure. 

Across the table Hanji and Erwin were leaning over the plan of the Military Police station dungeons. According to their newest information Leonhart were moved from north cells to the usual interrogation room two days ago. Her fate was strictly confidential, so they knew nothing about the methods used, hell, she could be already dead for all they knew.

Erwin decided to operate under assumption that her death would make it to the public. Big ass titan woman running around the city made it a press interest for sure.

It was some wishful thinking, but really, did they had anything else?

 

‘Utter nonsense’ Levi mumbled, pacing behind Hanji’s back as she changed into military police uniform. He was cut off from the actual inside-the-building operation, instead being placed along with Hanji outside the building to pick the girl up and quite literally run for their lives. They were too easily recognizable, therefore couldn’t work inside. Even outside only Hanji would be even dressed in the uniform, Levi was in civilian clothes, his posture and face rather unmistakable. 

Why was he even necessary here instead of supporting his squad he couldn’t understand. Or at least didn’t want to, lack of any information about them for three days was getting the worst out of him. He stopped convincing himself he wasn’t worried. He felt sick in his stomach just thinking about this stupid kid.

‘I’m ready’ Hanji announced, buckling the coat. Levi nodded faintly, forcing both his pacing and thought to stop. All that would matter to him from now on was the operation. Until it was over he was not his squad captain, or even Levi, he was a soldier under Erwin’s command.

It was easy to stop thinking once he forced himself into this role.

 

The autumn rain once came in handy and streets almost deserted. Windows of neighboring buildings were mostly closed, and two silhouettes standing under pillar of the church might even look suspicious if there were actual people to witness them.

Luckily military police officers were even lazier in weather like this and nobody were coming in or out. If everything went according to plan, Erwin’s orders were precise about the timing, Leonhart would be led out through the back gate in eight minutes. Next Hanji would ride her on her horse to the outsides of the wall Sina pretending she is her sick sister, accompanied by Levi. Once they will be in the hideout with Erwin they would figure out the next move.

The holes in this fucking plan were fucking obvious to anyone. What if Leonhart won’t cooperate? If she fucking turns into the titan the second they land hands on her? Hanji figured that painkillers might grant them time but nothing was sure. What if they were stopped at the gate? The girl might cooperate with military police by now and rat them out. They also might discover her disappearance too soon, starting the chase before they gain any advantage. There were only two of them for this part of the plan.

‘It’s a stupid plan’ Hanji whispered to him. She was apparently having the same doubts as him. ‘But it’s all we have. No more time to figure something better out.’

He nodded in reply.

‘We have to trust Erwin on this.’

‘Erwin doesn’t trust himself on this’ he thought, but nodded nonetheless.

Next they heard shots fired.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, by the way, all of the characters from outside the canon are named after someone. Feel free to guess (the bartender is quite obvious, but well, I liked it;))
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	8. Mead

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I'm back with new chapter. My health is... slowly improving. I will post as often as I can:).

Gunshots send them running around the corner and to the back gate. They have seen the man just as he collapsed on the pavement, his shout cut down the second his head hit the ground with loud crack. Blood sweeping from the hole in his chest combined with heavy rain quickly surrounded the body. Second man was still running toward them with small childlike figure in his arms whose head was jouncing around like if it was a mere ragdoll. Most possibly unconcious or just plain dead.

Levi hoped for the former as he jumped into motion, throwing the coat on the ground. The shots were still fired, the gunpowder smell palpable even in the heavy rain. The Military Police officers were after them, possibly more to come.

'Hanji, take her and run. I will cover for you,' he barked, not waiting for her reply, seconds later passing the man, running through the puddle of soldier blood, staining his boots with it. He didn't stop as he heard Hanji scream at him seconds before he heard her leave.

He drew his blades as the gunshots stopped.

First one he had taken down before even making it into the air as they were reloading. The seconds of safety meant for them one man down. Blades of hardened steel cut through human tissue as if it was paper.

He didn't calculate it. The man's head fell to the ground with loud thud, both eyes and mouth open. Fellow officers running just behind him stopped in their track, losing their concentration, missed shots fired because of trembling hands. 

Levi went into the air, careful this time to slash through their backs, not going for the throat.

Next cut was still too deep, destroying the spine.

He forced himself not to look as he took a turn in midair, aiming at the last man standing. 

The bullet missed him by thin air.

Another turn, without time to aim or think, and the man fall down with his intestines out. 

Levi pried the gun from his dead hand and searched his coat for remaining bullets, trying not to stare. He was standing in the puddle of blood, losing important seconds, knowing more officers may come any second.

As he turned around to leave he met the eyes of the beheaded man, staring right at him. He wanted, he really did, to close his eyes, but the sound of heavy boots against the pavement and familiar voice screaming made him move.

He felt the eyes of the head on his back as he turned around the corner.

Two block away Levi landed in the cul-de-sac and threw out.

 

He didn’t take much time to recover. Not like he hadn’t seen nastier shit. Blood and intestines didn’t bother him. Just... the sight of blood on his hands. The blood that didn’t evaporate in seconds. Human blood. 

I left stains on his hands and clothes, but it was fading quickly in pouring rain. He wished the memories would fade as quickly yet somehow he was hardly hoping for it.

The remainders of blood were hidden by dampness as he left the alley, limping very slightly as his injury acted up. He had to leave the three dimensional gear. The plan had already gone to shit without him captured at the gate with clear evidence. He couldn't risk going to the tavern where their horses were waiting. Possibly the soldier who left along with Hanji took his, but even if not, the Military Police might have already gotten there. He would have to find another way.

Levi wished he could go back and retrieve the coat he lost. He had never hated his face and fame more. It might just be a death of him. The fucking hood might save his life. If he only fucking had it.

At least it seemed nobody was after him, which was simultaneously good and bad. If they didn't chase him they most probably went after Hanji and Leonhart. Levi hoped he bought them enough time to at least reach the stable. If they left the inner wall they would probably make it. They had advantage outside Sina.

 

The first cart came surprisingly fast, as it has been only two hours since Levi sat down inside the tavern with pint of watery beer in front of him. It was almost empty as the hour was still young and both the bartender and the lonely drunkard were ignoring him. The carter conveniently made his stop at the tavern, which was the closest one to the gates, apparently to have one last drink before he came back to his home and wife, who didn't let him drink. That was at least what Levi assumed upon seeing the bliss on man's face as his lips touched the foam on the beer.

Luckily for him man sat down next to the bar with his back facing the windows. Levi left half full stein on the table.

The cart was covered by large sheet of greyish material and reeked of slightly rotten fish. Lucky indeed. He cursed internally and made sure no one was watching him as he slipped underneath it. 

If he gets discovered, he won't be dead. How would be tortured, questioned, and then just maybe killed.

He wanted to rip his own skin off. The nerves combined with the nasty fishy odor, which underneath the sheet, without the opening for the fresh air, were sickening. 

Here and there he recognized in the weak lightning some fish blood and intestines. He closed his eyes, and memories flashed behind his eyelids.

It costed him everything not to throw up again. He chose to keep his eyes open, preferring dead fish.

Gods, he hoped the carted drunk quickly.

 

As soon as he heard steps approaching he went completely still, almost not daring to breath. Luckily the carter didn't even suspect anything, promptly spurring the horses into walk. 

It was only a matter of minutes until he heard the voices of guards standing at the gate.

'Where are you traveling?' Man muttered the response, his destination miraculously close to his own.

'We would have to search your cart, sir. There are some criminals on the loose. Please, step away' one of the guards spoke, and man left the wagon bench, chatting cheerfully with them, asking about who were they searching for.

He had nothing to hide, as far as he was concerned. He would be as fucking nervous as Levi was if he only knew.

All he could do was hold his breath and pray.

 

They made it to the assigned place on time. Erwin was already waiting on them, the small cabin in the woods almost a ruin. The fact that it had spacious basement made it great place to hide, but tedious to be living in. Erwin or someone preparing it at least made sure it was clean.

The wave of nervousness washed over Hanji at that thought.

'Where is Levi?' Were the first words Erwin spoke, matching her own thoughts. 

Hanji reported the whole story step by step, careful not to omit any details. From the moment they abandoned Levi, through gathering the horses, lying at the gate about sick, unconcious sister and the tiresome journey, making stops every hour and checking Leonhart pulse.

She was still alive, even if barely. As she was speaking Stanford, which was the soldiers name, placed the girl on the bed and busied himself with heating water over the fireplace in order to wash her. As soon as Hanji was over with the story she joined by his side.

'Do you think she will make it?' Erwin asked, leaving Hanji uncertain how to answer.

'I don't know. Maybe. Maybe not. I don't have any idea what she has been through, except extreme starvation. She might live, but never be communicative. We will have to wait and see.' Erwin looked over at the girl. If he hadn't knew it was her, he won't be able to recognize Leonhart.

'Erwin, warm up some alcohol' she ordered as soon as they moved with bowl of warm water and the cloth towards the bed. Stripping the girl of wet garments and washing her gently was the best they could do, Hanji was also checking for any physical damage. Her naked body looked dreadful, all bones visible, and they moved as fast as possible to tuck her under duvets. 

No wounds though. Apparently Military Police wasn't stupid enough to inflict pain.

Erwin handed her a cup of warm mead, seasoned with some fruits, and Hanji was almost tempted to drink it by herself after that journey, but that may come later. First, the girl.

By cooperating they managed to trigger the swallowing reflex, making her drink the liquid. It wasn't much, but it would have to suffice. The girl's body temperature was dangerously low, even for a regular human, and having the experience with Eren Hanji suspected it should be even higher. It wasn't looking very promising.

She knew she should despise her, but then Annie was just an almost dead girl. Looking at her she couldn't find the hatred inside herself. 

Apparently Stanford felt the same way, as the big man sat down next to the bed, propping his back against the bed. With his curly, longish brown hair and stubble already starting to appear on his face he looked like a particularly big, fluffy guard dog.

'Any information about Levi's squad?' Hanji finally dared to ask. She would love nothing more than knowing about Levi himself, but that was impossible. She needed to busy her mind with something else.

'Yes.' Erwin was standing with his back toward her, heating up more mead, but even so, she noticed the slumping of his arms. 'I had to let them get captured. Someone should come soon for orders, we will get them back.' The response was given in such a low voice Hanji almost didn't understand. 'I hoped Levi would be back' Erwin admitted softly.

Hanji wished it was true. The squad would have to manage to get Eren and Historia back by themselves. Poor kids. 

Gods, how much she hoped Levi was still alive.

 

As soon as they made it far enough into the countryside Levi rolled onto the ground, falling carefully enough not to drag carter’s attention who led his horse to the South. His own way was leading west.

He was more than lucky, by now he would have assumed he was fucking blessed by all the gods in existence. The guards were already warned that some criminals would try to cross the wall and if the next shift didn't come few minutes early, with one of them being the fucking brother-in-law of the carter, he would have been discovered.

Fucking miracle.

If he walked fast he would make it to the cabin in about hour and a half. His limp was getting worse, so most probably two hours were closer bet. Two hours alone and uncertain about if they made it. It was going to be a hell of a fun walk.

The sun was probably setting already, it was hard to tell, the clouds still heavy in the sky.

 

The door opened suddenly, without as much as a knock, and the three of them were already standing with hands on the guns. Hanji dropped hers to the floor, Erwin hissing at her for how stupid this was, but she didn’t care as she hugged Levi who was standing in the threshold, looking like a ghost of himself. His clothes were dripping wet, stained, he was leaning on his right leg, but all of this she had already seen. His face looked almost empty, even as he looked a little relieved seeing them there.

‘How is my squad?’ Were the first word he spoke, patting her back awkwardly as she tightened her arms around him.

He won’t like it.

Erwin explained how he let them be captured and how the rescue squad was already on the way. She felt as Levi’s arms tightened even further and then let go completely as he announced he was going to help them.

They barely managed to stop him.

Hanji couldn’t help but felt worried about him as he told his part of the story, clutching way too hard on his cup of almost boiling mead. She hoped he won’t fall apart. It hardly was the time.

 

The night was the longest one Hanji has ever experienced. Both Erwin and Stanford has fallen asleep sitting, commander only waking now and then, looking around and propping his head back on his forearm, half lying on the table.

There were no new information and till the dawn none were supposed to come. Hanji was sitting crossed-legged on the floor next to the girl in the bed, holding her wrist, counting the beats. The bones seemed so fragile and despite Erwin reasoning and Levi’s vicious glare she refused to give the girl further sedation. She wouldn’t live through them. Levi reminded her how many people were dead thanks to ‘that bitch’, and while it was true, Hanji just couldn’t.

Levi... looked sick. As soon as they managed to calm him down and forced him to sit down and drink something, he seemed to lose all his power, deprived of his will and Hanji was really worried. Even now as the rest of men slept, he was sitting silently, staring blindly into the wall, clutching tightly his empty mug.

Hanji’s heart was hurting just looking at him. She was as close to the man as he ever let anyone be and she still didn’t know how to help him. It was second time she saw him so worried and she had no idea how to deal with whatever Levi was feeling. Being female in military was strange, seeing men suffer silently and never speak about it. She learnt to act the same, it was easier than being emotional most of the times, but if they would speak just once in a while, it would make it so much easier than guessing.

‘Levi, could you make me a cup of tea?’ Hanji asked finally, making him nod stiffly and move toward the stove, rigid and absent-minded. At least he had something to do with his hands. As he pushed the mug toward her she tugged on his arm. 

‘Sit with me here for a moment. I don’t want to wake them talking to you.’ She was whispering, but in the dead silence of the cabin it sounded unnecessarily loud anyway. Levi, even as he looked unhappy about sitting on the floor, complied and sat next to her.

Hanji leant into him, supporting her arm on his. He sighted but hadn’t moved. Stupid men.

‘Don’t worry. Mikasa and Jean, along with our soldiers, will safe them.’ 

‘Even if, what next? This bitch is asleep, I have no idea how many of them makes it out alive and we have to hide from military whatever we decide to do.’

‘You usually aren’t scared’ Hanji noticed with slight surprise.

‘Not of titans and death.’ That was hardly any answer to that.

‘But? Are you afraid of the unknown?’

‘Maybe, Hanji, I don’t know.’ He rubbed his eyes with his wrist, looking even more tired and defeated than before. Hanji let go of Annie’s hand for a moment, sliding one arm around his shoulders, not allowing herself to give him a real hug. She didn’t think Levi would appreciate that.

‘You are worried about Eren and rest of this kids too, aren’t you? You really started to like them,‘ she stated, not even expecting any response. She knew him well enough. ‘Me too, Levi. Eren is impossibly nice and his will to defeat the titans is the strongest purpose I had ever seen. I’m worried about him too. And the rest of them... they are really extraordinary. And thanks to that they will make it. And Erwin will figure something out.’

Levi started nodding, but suddenly he pointed at Annie and Hanji tore off her gaze from his face.

 

The girl was slowly opening her eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!  
> I promise next chapter there will be some romantic action, well, a lot of it! Really, I already started writing, and I'm both scared and excited!  
> Also, feel free to visit my tumblr, I would love some new fandom friends: http://i-hate-myself-for-writing-ereri.tumblr.com/


	9. Milk with honey and butter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, it's been some time. Sorry about that. I should have more time and less problems now. 
> 
> Thanks to all of you leaving kudos and asking for continuation. It means a lot!

Her eyelids fluttered twice and she looked at them briefly, woozy with long sleep and exhaustion, before her vision got sharp and fear flashed in her eyes.

Levi sprang into action, fast on his feet, immediately reaching for the blade, standing right beside still sitting Hanji, ready to kill as fast as anyone was threatened. She only took the girls wrist back into her hand, her pulse now quickened. Both Stanford and Erwin were no longer asleep, but none of them made a move, the tension heavy in the air.

‘Hello, Annie, I’m Hanji from survey corps. Whatever Military Police had been doing to you we do not wish to continue it. We don’t want to hurt you’ she assured, quite in the contrary to Levis’ rigid stance with blade already in midair.

Girl, unreasonably, looked smaller with every second, staying very still, only her eyes moving wildly around the room.

‘Are you able to talk?’

‘Yes’ came in shattered, trembling tone. Hanji took deep breath and started the questioning.

 

The dawn was approaching fast, weak light making their silhouettes visible even though the sun was still hidden behind the horizon. 

‘We need her’ Erwin stated what was getting more and more obvious with every passing second of the last night. Hanji found little energy to nod weakly. Annie, once she believed she was actually safe, started talking. Scientists head was still spinning with the swarm of information in her brain.

A tribe living behind the walls, titan powers inherited in every second generation, Eren’s father bringing some of the powers they needed behind the wall, all they wanted was him. Well, now it was Eren. They needed him to keep all of them safe. 

Also the Military Police knew all of that and Levi tensed even further as soon as he realized even how much more important of a pawn Eren became. He didn’t sit down nor lower his blade thought almost two hours of questioning, repeatedly interrupted by Annie needing time to recover, just to be able to talk. 

Now he and Stanford were keeping watch over Annie, asleep again after she had some food. Apparently first in three weeks and Hanji was finding it progressively hard to hate the girl.

‘Yes, we do. You think she will keep her promise?’ Annie has sworn to lead them to their leader and guaranteed safe passage to their village. She seemed honest, she had to convince Erwin, the bastard were no easy opponent in lying game, but what Hanji was finding hard to ignore was how she twitched every time someone made sharp move.

She was in no condition for that journey.

‘I think so.’ Erwin exhaled deeply. He looked much calmer once he had some more cards in his hand and Hanji hoped he knew how to play them right. ‘We need to act fast. How soon can we start?’

Nowhere as soon as you would wish, Erwin, Hanji thought. Reasonably speaking she knew they should start the expedition as soon as Annie won’t die, and if the girl was in no condition to run or change, then the better. Unreasonably, girl lived through a lot.

‘At least two weeks, maybe more. Erwin... who will you send?’ The biggest problem and question. Annie promised safety only to three people and Eren was the one who had to go, leaving them outnumbered and basically entirely on mercy of the strange tribe living outside. The risk will be never worth taking if not for the fact they had nothing to look for inside the walls. If they had any possibility of saving the humanity… That was it.

And saving the humanity from Titans became their whole life long time ago.

‘You and Levi.’ Erwin’s voice was sure. He seemed to have made that decision some time ago and Hanji didn’t dare to question it. Mikasa might has been better for fighting sake but she was chosen due to scientific aspects. Another proof of just how convincing nearly dead girl has been. ‘As soon as they come back the rest of us leaves. You might be able to hide long enough here. Next you set off. You will make good decisions Hanji. ‘He clasped a sure hand on her shoulder.

Hanji knew him long enough to see right through his bullshit commanders’ act.

 

The queen must have been sacrificed for the bigger cause, Erwin told her, as he commanded the retreat of their forces. Eren was safe and that was all that mattered for the biggest game of them all, the survival of humanity. They were coming to the grand finale and some pieces were less important than the others.

Historia just happened to be only the queen. 

 

According to the plan Erwin and the rest of the corps left as soon as possible, Mikasa led almost by force by commander himself. Numerous hugs and handshakes were exchanged, countless wishes of good luck and mantra of ‘Historia is important to them, she will be fine’. Hanji couldn’t not notice how wishful was that thinking and how it mostly served the purpose of making themselves feel better about it.

She couldn’t blame them though. Anything that lets you just continue with your responsibilities and keeps on fighting was worth it. 

 

After that the cottage went dead silent. Hanji asked Eren for help with Annie, unconcious again, and Levi exchanged intense gazes he was casting toward Eren since the moment they all showed their faces at the footstep for re-cleaning the basement they both were supposed to sleep in. Eren knew his standards and the room was spot on, but he didn’t inquire and neither did Hanji.

Woman didn’t leave Annie’s side for a second, having laid out few thick blankets on the floor next to her bed. Eren thought he would be angry but seeing both malnourished face and worry on Hanji’s face, he wasn’t. He wasn’t sympathetic, not when he remembered what she did, but still. 

He was tired, confused and relieved, because Captain Levi was still alive.

 

Evening met Hanji and Eren sitting at the table. Boy was playing with empty mug and lost in his thoughts and Hanji couldn’t not notice the way his eyes kept sneaking toward the basement door. Levi hadn’t come out since noon. She should be worried. She maybe was a little but since Eren has come back safe and sound the significant aura Levi had around him was gone. He was better. For whatever reason he decided to hide most possibly he would be better if left alone. That man was never good at talking.

He still should eat something, though.

‘Eren, would you mind taking some food to Levi? I don’t want to leave in case Annie wakes up.’ She smiled apologetically but she saw the way his eyes lit up at the excuse to go to him. The kid really liked him, he was being so painfully obvious... She was curious how much aware Levi was of that, thing, Eren had towards him.

‘Of course’ he said and added after a moment of hesitation: ‘Squad Leader Hanji.’

‘I think there is no longer need for such formalities, Eren’ she said, rubbing her eyes behind the glasses. ‘Do you see any squad around? Neither do I.’ Kid only nodded to her from above the stove and she went to check on the girl, leaving him to it.

 

With a tray of food he went into the basement, sparing only a moment to place a mug of warm milk with honey and butter next to half asleep Hanji who muttered some thanks but he felt too nervous to actually focus on her words.

It would be his first actual conversation with captain since he kissed him. And the man was confusing as hell, looking half dead when he saw him at the threshold, then watching him with such intensity he felt like it should have burned marks all over him, to finally hiding inside that stupid basement and refusing to even look at him.

Despite everything, Eren felt these were all good signs.

Captain was sitting on one of two narrow beds, each situated on the other end of small room. A single candle was lit, leaving the room almost pitch dark. A hunched silhouette of the man was barely visible. He was sitting with his lower back touching the wall, one barefoot leg curled up and head sinking low.

There was no possibility he didn’t hear Eren come in. He was letting him see him like that.

 

‘Good luck’ Hanji muttered as he left.

 

‘Captain?' No answer came and Eren frowned a little. Was Levi asleep in this stupid back-breaking position? 'I brought you something to eat, it's been hours' he continued placing the tray he was holding on the small desk beside far away wall, the only piece of furniture there beside the beds. 

'Thank you, Eren. You may go now.' Answer finally came but man didn't move at all. But as Hanji said, there weren't any ranks anymore. Levi couldn't just make him go away, not after all his stupid lingering looks and hiding away, like he was some scared kid. Scared of what Eren didn’t know, but he was determined to find out.

Or he might also just be mad at him, but Eren wasn't taking that shit. He was going to have everything explained, fair and square, and if Levi indeed hated him, than be it.

But he had to know for sure. And somehow he wasn't exactly scared.

'I would rather stay' he stated matter-of-factly, sitting down on the second bed.

Both heavy sight and rustling of fabric seemed loud in the silence of the room. Levi moved to sit at the desk. With his face so much closer to the candle, Eren was able to see more details. He looked even more pale than normal with dark circles under his eyes. His expression however didn't change much, showing Eren just how annoyed he was with him for forcing his presence on him. Not that it was going to make him cave in but it surely wasn't pleasant.

'Milk?' Levi asked, first looking inside his mug and then questioningly at Eren.

'My mom always made it when I was tired or sick or upset. It's with butter and honey.' 

'Milk is supposed for eating and not drinking.' He was frowning at the mug again, not picking anything up and it was starting to irritate Eren. This man really should start eating more.

'Oatmeal is not the only thing you can use milk for, you know' he huffed, irritated a little. 'Have you really never drink milk before?' he followed after a second. He didn't know much about Levi.

'No' man answered simply and took a sip without looking at him. 'It's good. Sweet.' He didn't look quite surprised, but maybe just a little pensive and Eren felt his heart tighten a little in his chest. Stupid, wonderful man.

'Do you want anything from me or did you just wanted to watch me eat?' Levi asked between bites. Eren never payed enough attention to it before, but Levi was eating pretty fast and with left hand placed very far forward on the table, sitting beside his food.

'I... I would like to talk. I think.'

'You think' Levi repeated slowly, taking another bite.

'Well, yes. But you should finish eating first.'

Gods, he didn't know what he was saying, did he? But what could happen, everything bad already did happen to him, didn't it? What else could he do if not go through with it? He never was particularly cautious anyway. Running blind forward the danger was more his thing. 

So be it.

'Why, may I ask? Are you going to say something distasteful?' Levi asked, placing down the fork. Eren didn't have the answer straight away, all the hells, what he was going to say might actually be distasteful, but what the fuck, he felt brave, and why the fuck not. Since he was silent Levi made his way back to the bed, sitting on the edge and staring back at Eren from across the room. ‘So?'

'It might be. But it doesn't matter.' Eren shrugged. 'Captain, after I,' he took a deep breath there, 'I kissed you, I thought you were disgusted then.' After Levi just continued watching him without a word, Eren added: 'But I don't think so anymore. Why do you look at me like that? You do not hate me. I don't think you even dislike me.'

After a long pause Levi asked: 'Your point being?'

'Captain, what do you think of me?' Levi just stared into the ground, taking long time to answer him.

'Eren, you stupid kid. Don't you have anything better to worry about?'

'No, I don't. Actually, if I start worrying about other stuff I might as well go insane. This is the only thing I think I can focus on without feeling terribly guilty or powerless.' He had to fight so damn hard to keep his voice even. The life was so fucking messed up without Levi sitting in front of him, accusing him of focusing on petty details. If Levi's face after he saw him was anything to go by, it wasn't petty. It was very fucking important and he would either die or force him to talk.

'Eren... I have nothing to tell you.'

'Really? So why did you look at me like that?'

'What are you even talking about?' Levi answered with question of his own, but his voice faltered a little on the last syllable, his eyes darted even more away, and his fist clenched and Eren's heart clenched a little in response, and he might just gave up, but nothing felt more important than this stupid stubborn man in front of him just then, so he just dropped whatever he was trying to accomplish before and said:

'I'm so happy you are alright.'

He didn't expect a little snort from Levi, which sounded surprisingly like laughter.

'You too.' It was barely audible, but it was there. Seconds later, Levi hid his face in his palms and Eren had to listen very carefully to understand the sudden wave of words. 

'Goddammit, you stupid kid, could you just leave it alone. It's not the time or the place for whatever you are trying to accomplish. You live, I'm fucking happy, what more do you want from me now? Any fucking second we might end up as Titan shit, puke, fuck, whatever, and you want something, and I don't fucking know what or how to do it, can you just fucking leave it?'

Eren found he absolutely fucking couldn't. Levi wasn't trembling or anything, but his words sounded broken and terrified, but Eren couldn't be mistaken about what Levi meant by them, couldn't he?

'Can I hug you?' Eren interrupted the stream of words and long silence followed. If Levi though he would back down, he was mistaken. If he didn't want it, he must tell it to his face. And Eren couldn't believe that he was mistaken about Levi's feeling after that.

'I won't stop you.' That wasn't the answer Eren was looking for, but he took what he could get, as he walked to Levi's bed and sat by him. Levi placed hands on his own knees and looked at the fricking floor again as if it was very captivating sight, but it was fine, at least the broken words have stopped and Eren’s heart could stop breaking. Hugging him from that angle seemed strange, but Eren embraced him anyway with his chest to Levi's left arm, placing his chin on top of his head. Man was rigid as a statue, but didn't move away. Whatever Levi was thinking was damn fine with Eren, because it didn't stop him from letting this happen. Either it was very good or very bad, Eren thought, and for a second he considered he maybe should go away and let the Captain do whatever he though was right for him. He clearly wasn't fine.

But he could help him, he was sure.

'Can you relax a little?' he muttered into his hair, and miraculously Levi muttered right back:

'I'm trying' and Eren's heart might have just broken into pieces in that moment, so he tightened his arms and Levi let out a long sight.

'Don't crush me.' Captain mumbled, moving his head and pressing his face into Eren's collarbone and clutching his hands on hem of his shirt, just short of hugging him back.

'I'm trying' Eren answered in a low throaty voice, halfway a chuckle and halfway a squeak. He felt a little overwhelmed with Levi letting him so close. 'Captain, are we alright?' It felt stupid asking this, but after all that happened and Levi's rant, he felt he should clear that up.

'I think.' Levi echoed his earlier words and sighted, his right hand let go of his shirt, resting on small of his back instead. 'I'm happy you are fine.'

'But, what about that kiss...' Eren voice broke off but Levi, instead of pushing him away, just embraced his waist properly and finally relaxed more.

'It shouldn't have happened. But yet it did.' Levi answered. It wasn't any sort of an answer, but to be honest Eren didn't really asked any proper question. I was pretty fair, he thought, as he started stroking his back in long, fluid motions. He almost stopped as he felt Levi leaning into him, letting himself go a bit further, but he didn't and captain brushed his cheek against his collarbone.

'Captain... Can I kiss you again?' Levi stilled, but yet again, he didn't move away and let him continue stroking his back.

'You shouldn't want to kiss me.' His voice came very even and careful. He didn't say no and it even didn't come as much of a surprise to Eren. After he did give it an honest try Levi wasn't so hard to read. Or maybe he was just showing Eren more than before? 

'Do you want me to?' The silence that came after that was even longer. Doing this felt like petting a cat to Eren, having patience to gain it trust and always expecting it to scratch and walk away. He never had patience for cats, but he had much of it for Levi.

'What I want doesn't matter.' He made a move like he wanted to pull away, but Eren was having none of it and held him closely.

'Levi... Can you honestly answer me?'

'Yes, Eren. Yes, you can do whatever the fuck you want.' The answer was silent enough that if they weren't all alone in the basement he might have not hear it. But they were and Levi's broken, tired words were audible.

'Fine. I will.' Eren huffed in mild annoyance, moved just a little away to take an aim and kissed him right on the mouth. 

Levi didn't move at all and it felt awkward as hell but his hands also didn't withdraw from Eren's back and he decided to take it as good sign. His heart was racing and Levi surely felt it with how close they were.

It felt terrifying, but also divine, so he readjusted the angle, and kissed him again.

'Is it alright?' he asked dumbly, after he parted his lips from Levi's.

Much to his surprise Levi after watching him for few seconds with burning intent in his eyes just answered: 'yes,' and closed his eyes again (Eren didn't even notice they both did before). There wasn't much choice but to kiss him again.

This time Levi's lips parted a little after Eren tilted his head and without much thinking Eren licked at them and Levi grabbed his shirt and dragged him closer. Levi tasted sweet, like milk and honey as Eren kissed him and he pulled him closer, leaving no space between them. Levi kept holding his shirt with one hand while he tangled the other in Eren's hair, holding his head close and just kept kissing him.

Until he stopped and pulled away from the kiss.

Eren felt dazzled and lost, but Levi did look just as confused and also disheveled and a little pink on top of his cheeks.

'Fuck' he announced, but he didn't move away from the hug, just leant his forehead against Eren's collarbone. 'We seriously need to talk about this. Until than no kissing.' Eren opened his mouth, but he was sharply cut off with: 'I need a moment.'

Therefore he propped his chin on top of Levi's head and waited, calming his own breath.

He couldn't stop the stupid smile creeping up on his face though.


End file.
